How to Start a Revolution and Win

There have been so many Martin Luther King Jr. quotes on Facebook today, you would have thought that social media had risen up and finally done something about the all the racially charged police killings. Or at the very least there was a MLK Jr Day sale at the Piggy Wiggly. Instead, Facebook was complaining about a CVS burning down and some people using non-lethal force against the police.

Apparently when Jefferson said “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” he should have said

“gum, tic tacs, and 3 foot long receipt for them both”

Who the fuck knew that CVS meant that much to Americans #GiveMeCVSOrGiveMeDeath #WalgreensIsOkayToo

I didn’t know Americans cared so much about a store that I can only describe as a clusterfuck of made-for-TV-products and cheaply made movie candy.  But to be fair that’s how I would describe my bedroom as well. I am still a child.

A CHILD WHO HAS FREAKIN SAUNA PANTS!!

Baltimore let slip the dogs of war last night, or that is what many in media and even more of my friends on Facebook would have you believe.  The media and my friends on Facebook that have been silent on the matter of Freddie Gray’s death have now taken to their statuses to let everyone and their mothers know that they do not support this violence. 

They know how to protest! They watched Selma in class for god sakes! #BirdmanWasBetter

You would think that after the silent killing of Freddie Gray that some property damage and some protesters throwing some rocks at cops would fail to shake anyone’s conscious. But low and behold, I was wrong again. Too bad I can’t drop a bucket of water on my head to put out the CVS fire or something really would have gotten done in this country.

But, I am not writing this blog to say that they are wrong for criticizing the riots. I am not writing this blog to say that they are doing more damage to the civil rights movement by changing the debate from black lives matter to not all cops are bad. Which is certainly a correct statement, but pretty goddamn ill-timed given the circumstances.

I am writing this blog to give some direction to the people who don’t know what to do. Who want to be part of the movement, but don’t agree with the riots. Because I am one of them.

If CNN captures one black man throwing a rock at a cop car amidst thousands of peaceful protesters, then there is the ball game. The right can label the protests as violent and sap any moral authority the movement might have had. No can support it. CNN will just keep playing the violent gifs of the rock like it is the worst BuzzFeed Article you have ever seen and instead of cats, you get fucking Wolf Blitzer and a graphic that gives half of the nation a seziure from all the flash bangs.

There has to be a better way, a peaceful way that works and doesn't cause any destruction, and there is. It’s just not with passive aggressive Martin Luther King Jr. quotes.

How to Start a Revolution and Win

In 1930 Gandhi walked over 250 miles to the Indian Ocean in order to make salt. Now that sentence doesn’t make sense to a lot of you, but you have to put yourself in the situation.

Salt is a necessary form of life. You can’t just drink pure water or you will die. Salt helps control your fluid balance as well as how your muscles and nerves work. Salt has been a necessary life force since the dawn of time. It’s just that Indians in the 1920s didn’t have McDonalds to over saturate our bodies with salt to a point that we would never need it again.

Gandhi made salt because it was illegal. Not only were Indians forced to buy salt from the British Empire, but they were taxed out the ass for it. By going to the Indian Ocean and making his own salt, Gandhi was able to show that India could support itself and began a salt movement that started in the arrest of 60,000 people and ended in Independence.

Salt was the weapon used to topple the British Army. An army that had an unbelievable chokehold over its crown jewel in the empire.  Now before you start throwing salt packets at the police, realize that you are stupid and that would not work today. We need a new weapon.

In 1965, MLK Jr. marched from Selma to Montgomery, but he was stopped by the police and the brutal beatings of the peaceful protesters shook the nation so hard that the Voting Rights Act was passed months later. It wasn’t the peaceful protests that changed anything, it was the inability of police to hold back their batons.

Now before you start marching on Washington thinking that is how you cause change, I have some news to tell you. That won’t work either.

The police have gotten smarter. I participated in a Black Lives Matter protest in Denver where they shut down highways, and made it safe and easy for the protesters to continue with their march. This didn’t get any media attention and the police were able to quell their demands with a simple barricade and a helping hand.

We need a new weapon for our generation. Salt was used by Gandhi but doesn’t hold the same weight today as it did in the Indian nation. Marching and holding up signs have done nothing but delay traffic and cause supporters to think that they did something to change the situation on the ground.

The weapon we have, the salt of our generation has been under our noses the entire time.

It’s the #Hashtag

Gandhi nor Martin Luther King had a weapon as powerful as social media. Clever phrases such as #BlackLivesMatter #HandsUpDontShoot allow anyone to participate in the revolution with a simple click of the share button and it actually does some damage.

By taking over the internet Kim Kardashian style, we can forward the movement to the peaceful uses of the internet and create an army that is massive, constantly active, and smarter than the opposition. Hashtags can be counted, measured, and politicians and policeman alike will not be able to ignore the numbers. Hashtags are the way we reclaim our democracy and include our voice in a world filled with noise.

So a smarter reader would say “The Black Lives Matter hashtag has been around since November and we still have police officers who commit murder and are rewarded with impunity and donations from assholes from all over the country!”

Nice vocab dear reader!

The reason this hasn’t translated to change is that we are using Facebook and Twitter too nicely. White culture is able to stay silent and they do stay silent until something like a CVS burns down and they can pretend like they were active all along and support the police that "put their lives on the line" while they drive in downtown Baltimore with a fucking tank!

If you think that's putting your life on the line, you should try being outside the tank.

Well let me tell you something, #YouDontHaveTheRightToRemainSilent. White culture has been silent for too long on the systematic killing of black men in this country. You can’t do that anymore. I won’t let you.

They cannot silence the color of their skin.  They cannot silence the blood spilt by their brothers and sisters. They cannot silence the cries of help of a paralyzed and dying Freddie Gray lying alone in his jail cell. You cannot sit by and continue to be silent on this matter either.

The only way this works is if everyone participates in the nonviolent hashtag movement. The Voting Rights Act only got pushed through after white Christians were appalled at the senseless beatings on the bridge in Selma and began vocalizing it in churches around the country. The only reason that Salt worked was it started to cut into Britain's profit margin and they were worried about a further boycott. The hashtag lets Wolf Blizter knows what's trending and what the people want to hear about. The people want to hear the entire nation say that Black Lives Matter.  They want the media to say Black Lives Matter. They want the police to say that Black Lives Matter. They want the President of United States to say we need more than a CVS in this country, we need a leader. 

Share this post, write your own, or find one on the internet, but I need to tell you that #YouDontHaveTheRightToRemainSilent

John Danger Kelly

Live Deliberately 

How to Lose an Election

Winston Churchill once said “The biggest argument against democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the average voter.”

Luckily, the typical English voter would often confuse Churchill for an overweight, diabetic dog so no conversation with Churchill never made it more than a “Good boy!” and a concerned glance when the dog would start pounding back some of that Devil’s oil at 11am in the morning. 

Fucking Churchill.

 Now, I know I pretend to be a political pundit with a vast array of insider knowledge and an even larger collection of Obama 2008 Presidential Memorabilia. #LimitedTimeOnly #OnSaleForOnlyWhenHesPopular #SameWithObamacare

But, truth be told…the only campaign I ever worked on, I quit in a moment’s breath and the candidate went on to lose in a dramatic who-gives-a-shit fashion. So when I tell you what is really threatening America, I want you to know that I don’t have as much experience as Churchill does but still probably more than any of those other bozos you see stroking their own cocks on the nightly news.

There is a Brain Williams joke in there somewhere, but it  ends with his cock spinning like a shot down helicopter and my readers don’t want to hear that shit. They are highbrow.  Always keep your audience in mind.

My point is that I have no idea how to win an election, I haven’t done that yet. I am loser. 

But dammit, I sure know how to lose an election and better than most people too.

I moved to Colorado in August of last year to work for Fair Share which is the Super PAC that supports Democratic candidates around the nation. I had worked tirelessly all summer, applying for jobs every day and sending out resumes like I was a Nigerian prince. Finally I got hired to run the Boulder office for the Super PAC supporting the democratic senate candidate, Mark Udall. 

Now in case your current events knowledge is comprised of getting stoned and watching The

Interview, then I will explain how a Super PAC works.

Super PACs are allowed to receive unlimited contributions from individuals and corporations with the understanding that they are not allowed to coordinate with the official campaign. This means that companies and wealthy individuals can spend millions of dollars to support the campaign, but not have to be hindered by those pesky campaign finance laws.

The downside of this? It’s ruining our democracy as well as the candidates that run for office, and how our government works.

Now I am about to give you a firsthand account of how a Super PAC operates, the horrible ethical misconduct that occurs to its employees as well as the voters, and how to limit their power in the upcoming election. But I know some of you might feel tricked because you wanted more weiner jokes and some accurate self-deprecating jokes.  It's been a hard year and the economy hasn't come back like it should. I give you permission stop reading now and watch the video below. It’s what not what you came here for, but it isn't the worst entertainment you have settled on today. #PawnStars

How to Lose an Election

By John "Magic Fingers" Kelly

When I stepped in the door on my first day, I thought I was going to be a Joshua Lyman who uses pragmatism and cleverness to form statewide strategies to break down opponents. Instead, my job title was closer to that of Satan and my job was to trick the poor and desperate to knock on doors and hand out leaflets that were deceptive at best and criminal to any objective reader.

I had to build an army and I had to build it fast. 100,000 doors. Between August and Election Day I was required to knock on 100,000 doors. That’s over 1000 doors a day or 128 doors an hour in a normal 8 hour working day.  

This meant that we had to hire 100 people within in a week and get them sprinting around Colorado yelling about birth control and folksy values. #TheIssues

The amount of money the Super PACs dropped on this campaign was insane.  Between both campaigns and outside spending they spent close to $75 million dollars on this election just in Colorado alone. 

The crazier part?

They spent about 75% of that money in the 3 months in the lead up to the election. It was a stimulus package that instead of putting money towards schools and roads, it put money towards annoying people and hurting the environment. 

This amount of money meant that I had an unlimited budget in hiring as many people as I possibly could get into the office. But that was the only thing that I had control over.

This Super PAC was ruthless and only cared about the bottom line. This meant that if any one of these people that I hired didn't meet their quota just once in the first two weeks, they were fired. If they didn't meet their quota 3 times in their employment there, they were fired. 

It didn't matter if they told their mother that they finally got a job, it didn't matter if it was snowing when they were running from door to door, it didn't matter if they quit another job for this one, it didn't matter that this was the only break of light for them in a depressing economy that labelled them worthless and disposable.

 I was forced to fire them if they didn't meet their quotas and then hire two more people to replace them that day or I was fired.

100,000 doors. It was the only thing in they cared about.

Within a week, I hired 120 individuals and was forced to fire 40. There was not one care given to any of the unlucky 40. They had $75 million dollars to spend and those who couldn't knock on 80 doors in 5 hours were just slowing them down.

The worst part you ask? What they were fucking spending our money on.

All of my readers have seen these stupid paper advertisement. You are bombarded every election by them and hopefully have no input in to who you are going to vote for. The sad part is that Churchill sort of has a point, the average voter will change their mind to this stupidity. This bullshit works better than anything else they have tried.

The ad was your typical ad. It lied about who we were and said we were non-partisan and called us a “fact finding group” as though we are a bunch of fucking archeologists sniffing some boners in the field to see if dick stink was still a problem for the cavemen. #FundedbyRomneyForAmerica

The canvassers would have 4 minutes to talk to the person, drop off the flyer, and run to the next house before they started falling behind. This treated the voters like they could be convinced in 30 seconds. All of these Super Pacs opperate under the assumption that Churchill was right and the voters were as stupid as we believed them to be. That any sort of complexity was a vice and that all they needed was another ad to convince him that our opponent was “on the wrong side of every issue.”

Sounds non-partisan to me.

The Democrats and Republicans spent close to half a billion each on the midterm election doing this sort of bullshit.

This has become a fight that it is all about quantity over quality. It doesn’t matter what type of ad you have, just as long as it reaches more voters than your opponent. You find your wedge issue and then you attack at it with a multi-million dollar ad by.  You can see this political reality all over the nation. 

Gardner outspent Udall in Colorado by $10 million and won by less than 50,000 votes.

That’s $200 a vote for the final stretch. If any political candidate just gave out $200 instead of leaflets, they would win in a landslide. But ironically enough, giving the money back to the people is what is against the law.

The terrifying part? 2016 is going to make this past election look like it was funded by a bake sale.

The Koch Brothers recently announced that they would be spending $1 Billion dollars on the next election. For a comparison, the entire GOP spent $673 million dollars on 2012 and the entire Democrat party spent close to $640 million.

Now this money could easily be dismissed as something that is part of politics as usual, but this amount shows that it is not and it has the power to limit your rights and turn politics into a spending war where both parties are spending billions of dollars to give you an ad that makes Nazi propaganda look like a church pamphlet.

Allowing unlimited spending like this allows families like the Koch brothers to completely buy an election and ramp up the costs so that only people with deep money ties will be able to run for office. It treats voters like a problem and lowers the level of debate to deciding between which President I would like to have a beer with and whether or not they believe in my "family values"

What family values are those? Unhinging every time when trying to put together an IKEA table?

This election is absolutely crucial because if Super Pacs are able to spend the money they are proposing without public backlash, then there goes the ball game. We don't even have to play 9 innings.  The next election will be even harder to stop than this one, and the next one even harder. Campaign Finance Reform will look like a pipe dream rather than a difficult political reality.

How do you defeat this unstoppable force you ask?

Stay informed and don't be distracted.

Your attention and what you respond to is the most powerful tool you have in your arsenal. The ads they are creating are targeted for you to become distracted and they are pretty damn good at it.

Clinton's email gate

Christie's bridge gate

Ted Fucking Cruz

Obama's Birth Certificate 

None of these things matter. None of these would go anywhere if it wasn't for the political machines keep this shit alive. No one cares if Clinton wanted to use a private email, or if Christie thought it would be clever to shut down a bridge for a few hours 2 years ago. Those issues don't matter and make you forget about the ones that do.

• A child has a one in five chance of being born into poverty in the United States

• There needs to be $285 billion dollars in school reconstruction and it needed to happen yesterday.

• There are more black men in prison in the United States than there were enslaved before 1865

• 97% of rapists will never see a day in jail

• There were 32,000 deaths caused by a gun last year

Everyone has an issue that they care about. Something that allows them to speak with passion and excitement in their voice. An issue that pushes them to research their opinions so that they too can contribute to the conversations. An issue that motivates them to stand up, not stay silent and say that 

"I'm right, you're wrong. I'm strong and you're weak."

 I guarantee you that no one's issue that they have planted their feet on has anything to do with whether or not the candidate followed state department email protocol. Fuck, I am writing this blog at work for God's sake. I follow none of my workplace's protocols. The only reason that issue is pushed forward is that it fits great in an advertisement and moves votes from those who are distracted.

Churchill is wrong, the average voter isn't stupid. The political operatives know that Americans care deeply about the issues, but when their candidate doesn't have the facts or issues on their side or they have been dragging in the polls, they call up the Super Pacs and start bombing with leaflets about how the other guy had a father born in Kenya. 

You can help stop this bullshit. You can make the Koch's brother 1 billion dollar investment look like the worst gamble in a century. If they spend 1 billion dollars and not make a difference, you bet your ass that corporations are going to hold off donations next time.

 Make a pledge to not click on another bullshit link or listen to another bullshit story. If someone starts talking to you about, scream and yell until they feel bad about their conversation topic. The more views they get, the more it validates their decision to dump billions of dollars into these false issues and continue to keep shoving sludge into our news cycle when there are some many issues that need to be talked about.  Read and stay active and when you start to hear these terrible stories in the news start to dominate the news cycle, speak up and make them shut up.

Patriots deflated their footballs? Talk about how 1 in 4 women will be severely beaten by their intimate partner in their life time. See if they care about the 2 PSI then.

Another round of Benghazi hearings?  Talk about how our foreign policy destabilized the entire Middle East and almost all of North Africa in less than a decade. The republicans are really hoping that everyone forgot about the Iraq War.

Obama reads mean tweets? Well no you can watch that, that's pretty cute and funny. 

Never under estimate the power of what you chose to listen to, what you chose to click on, and where you divert your attention.  These people invest millions of dollars into figuring out what you want. Say it loud, say it often, and don't listen to anyone who tells you what you should be caring about. There are issues that not only we care deeply about, but NEED something to be done on them. 

Super PACs shouldn't be allowed to dominate the debate. 

Net Neutrality was dead in the water because of all of the Super PAC money that was up against it. The only reason it became a reality was that the people took their computers and said "hell no."

Don't let the issues that decide the next election be determined by whoever has the biggest piggy bank. Join the conversation and shape the debate more than any dollar amount can by ignoring the bullshit and speaking truth. The voters aren't dumb, they just haven't heard anything smart since they can remember.

John Danger Kelly

Live Deliberately

Prescott, AZ and The Drum of War

Prescott, AZ and The Drum of War

It is the only place in the world you can visit downtown and see a man dressed up as an 1800s cowboy while texting on his iphone as he pridefully strolls past a seemingly endless row of bars, churches, and priceless antique shops.

It is a town filled with hilarious and often times news worthy hypocrisy.

Old people driving 45 mph over the speed limit while shaking their fist at a terrified 20 year old who is trying their best to avoid your Cadillac Escalade. Christian girls preaching the love of Jesus Christ as they shout insults at the girl who couldn’t afford the yoga pants that cling to your ass crack like the half digested Chipotle you ate for lunch. #science #thanksStephenHawking

A town that has made it its mission to defending the life of every sperm, egg, and pubic hair this

side of the Atlantic Ocean and yet has been pounding the drums of war this past week like they are a coked up Neil Peart who is calling for blood, high casualty counts, and one more encore of Space Invader.

Growing up in this hypocrisy wasn’t easy. My mother worked at Planned Parenthood, my father looked like he was the human embodiment of LSD, and I had a mouth like a well-informed sailor who was driving on the New Jersey turnpike looking to get in a fight.

I was a quick target for anyone looking for a bullseye and in a town that where the local Rugers is the top-seller of handguns in the world, it was hunting season for me.

I lost friends because my mom was a baby killer, I lost friends because I thought homosexuality wasn’t a sin, I lost friends (and this is true) because I ate my McDonalds french fries before we had a chance to thank Jesus for this bountiful meal.

I don’t know if there is ever going to proof that God doesn’t exist, but a Big Mac is pretty damning evidence that the man upstairs has no control over the horrors in this world.

This bullshit would come in floods.  I would see my friends get numb to the current and begin waiting to eat their french fries until their religious charade was over or remaining silent when shit like “I don’t know why they painted that black kid on the mural” casually slipped out of their mouths like they were talking about the weather.

I never got numb. I got louder. I am going to eat my french fries and the only person I am going to thank is Jesús behind the counter.

Thank you Jesús for this food baby that I am about to have and may you spare me of the Hamburgler Squirts. #ButtStuff


This past week Prescott lost a friend who was killed in the push back. Not the push back that I was used to, but a push back much more courageous to fight.

R.I.P. Kayla Mueller - 1988 - 2015

The streets of Heaven are too crowded with angels.

In Prescott, you begin to quickly gravitate to the people who stand-up to the river's current and say hell no. Kayla and I met when we were children and her story continued to interweave with my life. She was my sister’s student at Tri-City Prep where she picked up the flag of Darfur and raised awareness of the genocide that was being undertaken by Omar al-Bashir. She was in the same program as me at NAU where she was motivated by the Syrian conflict to travel to Turkey and help out with the refugee problem. She died pushing back and bringing to light the Syrian refugee epidemic that so many in Prescott and this entire country have refused to learn about.

The bad part you ask?

Her death is now being used as a mallet to the bang the war drum that she worked so hard to silence, escalating the Syrian refugee problem and cementing it as a permanent wound in the Middle East.

I have seen so many Facebook posts from local Prescottonians in the past few days that call for the obliteration of ISIS and for America to reclaim its glory as the destroyer of the Middle East. I understand the frustration. I really do. But, this will never work and only make the problem worse.

Many of my readers (a majority of them from Prescott) have no idea what the current situation of the refugees are in the Middle East. No one can blame you for wanting these men dead. I want them dead too, but Kayla wasn't trying to kill them. She was trying to protect their victims. 

In honor of Kayla, I will try and do my best to explain the gravity of the situation, why it matters, and why we need to silence that drum. And I will try and do it in less than 4 minutes. 

The Refugee Crisis

Currently there are an estimated 4 million refugees that have been displaced because of the Syrian Civil War. Now if you are anything like me, you have no idea if that number is small or big or scary or ignorable.

In order to even begin to imagine the scope of this situation, we are going to have to break down that number in a way that means anything to us. The brunt of this refugee crisis has hit two nations incredibly hard.  Lebanon and Jordan

Let’s first look at

Lebanon

Lebanon has done everything it can to avoid having Syrian Refugees. In Lebanon, refugees are not allowed to own land, hold a job, apply for citizenship, rent a house, or even set up a tent. They
have done this because of the very real possibility that their country will collapse because of how many refugees they have.

Lebanon has an estimated 1.8 million refugees which is absolutely insane.


Lebanon only has a population of 4.5 million people, so that means if the same level of the refugee crisis was happening in the United States we would have 125 million+ refugees

One in 3 people in Lebanon is a Syrian Refugee

                                                                    
                                                        Jordan

Jordan doesn’t have it much better. They have accepted refugees but they have put them in the middle of the desert and basically in one huge camp. To the right is a former Iraqi refugee camp that was forced to evacuate because of the new conflict. ISIS as well as bombings by the opposition forced this camp to evacuate.  Over 80,000 refugees were forced to bring everything they could and make their way through the Jordan desert where they will spend most of their life in a refugee camp.

Now, because of that move the 4th biggest city in Jordan now is a Syrian Refugee Camp. Imagine how seriously we would take the refugee problem if we had a camp bigger than the size of Houston. 

The worst part you ask?

These refugees didn’t come with anything. They lack language skills, money, or any hope that any government will truly save them for this atrocity. For many of them, they will be stuck in this horrible wasteland between nations, never having a home again, and never getting out of these camps.

Lebanon has been holding Palestinian refugees since 1948 and that refugee population now tops 500,000. These camps continue to grow and babies are born into a hell that none of us can imagine.

I just hope they are thanking Jesús before they eat their fries. He did such a good job making them.

Kayla refused to quit. These odds seem impossible, but instead of staying in Prescott and going to the rodeo dance she did something about it. She refused to become numb from the constant barrage of bullshit that would enter her daily life. She gave up everything to go to Turkey to lend a desperately needed hand in an seemingly unsolvable problem. This courage is so moving that I can’t continue to stay silent on the matter, I can’t continue to let the river of bullshit numb me any longer.

Obama submitted a bill to Congress today that would authorize the use of force and escalate a situation in the Middle East by placing American ground troops into the situation. The United States has been criticized by every major politician and country for not being involved enough in the fighting.  A conflict that has already cost the American taxpayer over $1 billion dollars or $300 million dollars per month. They want to escalate this conflict? How well did it work before to double down on Iraq?

Do we really want to involve ourselves again in the Middle East when we are just one sour bottle of Jack Daniels from all out war? Are we the sobering cup of coffee or are we the drunk douchebag who thinks what he really needs to do is another kegstand to win over Wendy?

She's over there fucking the kid without the Burger King crown on his head

Let me show you a different path.

For Wendy!

The entire amount that has been spent for that huge refugee camp up there?

$327 million.                                                                                                           

The amount spent on the Iraq war so far?

$2.1 trillion.

Only $5 billion dollars has been spent by the entire globe to solve the Syrian refugee crisis. For comparison, the world spent $5 billion last year on ringtones alone.

We have the power to solve the refugee crisis. Imagine the good we could have done with the Iraq War budget. Kayla was not on a suicide mission. Rather than have America go back into Iraq and potentially spending just as much money as we did before, we could be a power of good instead. I fear as many pundits do, that recommitting America to Iraq will further entrench us in a conflict where we can only do more harm.

Rather than continue this hypocrisy to say we stand for freedom and prosperity in the world while we continue to drop bombs on their heads, while we do nothing for them as refugees spend their lives in a hollowed out train cars, let us actually stand for freedom and prosperity and do something for the 4 million people that Kayla was trying to help.

Prescott, you have some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. Giants that stood above the rest as leaders among their peers. Visionaries who saw new ways of approaching the world that inspire the most disgruntled among us. Geniuses who are able to dissect a problem and emerge victorious despite doubts and criticisms that enveloped them.

Kayla was one of these unique Prescottonians. None of us would even hesitate to put her in this category.

 I am not sure what I am going to do with the next few years of my life, but I will be damned if I don’t stand up and run with Kayla’s flag because this conflict is far from over and she is sadly not going to be last casualty .

Live Deliberately

John Danger Kelly

The Unfortunate Necessity of Lying

The Unfortunate Necessity of Lying

Boob Maggots. That’s right boob maggots. You are about to learn about the horrifying reality that is boob maggots.

Boob maggots have been apparently spreading like wildfire in a few developing countries in South America and West Africa because of three reasons -  a healthy pre-existing boob maggot population, lack of proper boob hygiene, and lying.  

The maggots are able to breakthrough decaying and dying skin by burrowing into the underboob (located on the underside of the boob). They scratch at and puke acid on the surface of the boob until a small but navigable hole emerges, and just like in James and the Giant Peach, the maggots take advantage of their new squishy layer.

Once inside of the the boob, they will crawl underneath the skin and burrow even deeper towards the mammary glands where they will reproduce creating sometimes hundred of Boob maggots. The boob maggots are blind, deaf, and have no sense of smell, so they prefer dark, warm, and damp places where they can hide and live out their days in a Double D rack. They never actually see the boobs due to their plight but due to their nutritious and warm nature they are able to thrive in its environment. They don’t need to see them, they just need to make babies with them!**

**Use that line only in Sperm Banks and creepy illuminaughty parties**

"I would like to make a donation please"

Boob Maggots survive solely off of the decaying flesh, muscle tissue, and boob goo that surrounds their world. They are very tiny, but there have been reports of finger sized maggots removed in severe cases. The maggots can cause irreparable damage to the breast and even cause PTSD symptoms in many of the victims because of the fucking terrifying feeling of your boob being eaten from the inside out. **

**If you want to help out with this epidemic, please keep reading and at the end of the post there will be a link where you can donate to help this cause and learn more information**

The medical risks are severe but the real reason why the maggots have become so rampant is that women who become infected will not tell anyone. They are afraid of what people will think of them when they find out they have maggots in their gazongas.  

I don’t fucking blame them.

Now I am not advocating for these women to hide their boob maggots, I think that it is petrifying event that should be treated by a doctor immediately, but I am just pointing out an obvious truth. Not one wants to motorboat a lady with boob maggots.

Boob maggots are somewhat intangible for people in the developed world but maybe its easier to think back to the lice epidemics of fourth grade where they made the kids line up like they were headed to an internment camp. Kids would joke about who had the lice, or remark about how stupid this entire procedure was, but everyone was fearful when that overweight nurse from Poland stuck her sausage fingers between your hair and looked for those white devils.

I am good with children and abandoned dogs!

What I still don't understand about the lice epidemics is the fact that the nurses were always terrible at hiding which child had it as though they were oblivious to the playground heckles. Every other kid took 20 seconds behind the blue curtain and then FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON as soon as the kid who eats bugs and doesn’t know his peasant haircut looks good only on Zoeey Deschanel and Monty Python actors went behind the curtain, his hair check took 30 minutes and his Mom as well as the entire staff of Child Protective Services rushed into the gymnasium like their lives depended on it.

You mean there are hair cuts that don't involve a bowl?

I still remember the kid who got lice and I am sure everyone does. No one forgets the kid who poops his pants or gets lice in 4th grade. He could go on to be the President and the first thought that comes into your mind when he takes the podium is "Stinky Butt!"

The lice infected kid had a legitimate fear of being ostracized and in order to protect himself he lied about the lice liked a hound.  He said that he felt as though he looked better with a buzz cut and that it had nothing to do with the CDC scrubbing him down with biohazard suits on yesterday.

Fucking no one looks good with a buzz cut at the age of 8. Everyone either looks like the bully from Toy Story or an emaciated holocaust victim.

But who knows, maybe I am just projecting my self-image.  #FreudStuff

This is the part that puzzles me though. Everyone has lied about their current situation before. Maybe you haven't had lice, but you have had something happen to you where it is uncomfortable to talk about. And everyone is more than okay with lying about these things without hesitation, even if it threatens their well-being.

You pooped your pants? Then maybe you tell your boss you sat on a brownie and farted out of surprise. 

Stole a graham cracker and some old lady is super pissed? Tell her that it is the aliens messing with her brain again. 

Super Herpes? Go to ASU #LUMBERJACKSRULE

Lying is one of those universal things that seems as though every parent in America drills this unbreakable notion into our brains that lying is wrong in every circumstance unless of course it is a white lie to avoid something uncomfortable like talking about the poop in the back of your pants or the maggots in your boob. Then its okay to lie. As long as the only person it hurts is you.

But I would like to propose something that is against the grain.

White lies help perpetuate these unrealistic standards and make people lie about the current situation they are in. But I am not saying it is their fault. I totally get it. Even I will continue to lie about my situation because I don’t want to be the kid with lice, or the poor kid who can’t afford new clothes, or the kid who got such a raging boner during the first 5 minutes of Tomb Raider that he got a restraining order from not only getting near Angelina Jolie but even thinking about her.

The solution to this problem is not to start telling the truth. The truth will not set you free. The truth will only backfire in your face and cost you friends. But doubling down on your bets and lying your ass off gives you a much better chance of riding that Jet Ski next to Laura Croft. #ViagraNotNeeded #OrRecommended

Try and ban this North Korea!

Everyone has this unreasonable and hesitation about lying. Not white lies, but the lies that will actually do something for you besides avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. Lying to the police, lying on tinder, and the most fucking puzzling of all the cases, lying on job applications.

I would say around 90% of my friends are currently struggling to get by economically and yet they hold onto this pride, this hope, this fear, that prevents them from saying that they do have 3 to 5 years of experience and time management skills. It is such an easy lie and yet many of the people I know barely do it or refrain from it all together. Their choice is wrong and not thought out.

One of the biggest things keeping the truth alive is the feeling that the economy is getting better. Obama released some economic numbers this month that look phenomenal.  The US economy added 321,000 jobs in November, continuing on the path of 5 consecutive years of job growth. The Dow is consistently closing at record highs just 6 years after being cut into a ⅓ of its value. GDP growth continues to soar past Europe whose economy is still stuck in the mud and America continues to grow at rate which economists consider “robust.” Virtually every sector of the American economy is growing, except for one.

You.

The unemployment/underemployment rate for recent graduates is 50%. That number starts to look a lot higher if you look at people who not in the already weathlystraight white male category. 

Wages for people under 25 have been growing at an 80% slower rate than the rest of America. 80%! The divide between rich and poor as reached the largest divide since England could call this country a colony.

This graph compares the average income of the 1% to the 99% between 1917- 2007

The economic reports the government continues to release are white lies. They are all accurate, but they are focusing on the wrong issues. All that they are doing is complementing the fat lady on her dress rather than addressing the weight issue that will bring her down to her massive knees.

Now I like fat lady economic analogies as much as the next guy, but they aren’t going to help you. What is going to help you is telling you the reality of the situation.

The job market is so bad for our generation that you are truly a statistical anomaly if you end up doing anything other than pouring coffee, making copies, waiting tables, or answering phones.

My friends and the people I care about are giants compared to the dimwitted dipshits that hold the job positions that they dream of. Individuals that I know who could make a serious difference in this world are sidelined as though they were destined for mediocrity and can’t handle anything more than a request for a refill.  

Learn how you can use your PhD in Philosophy at the Cash Register!

I don’t know about you guys, but I think that’s fucking bullshit and I am ready to try anything to make sure that the 1% line doesn’t keep comically raising up while the rest of America doesn’t even get a blip.

Poverty isn't a joke. It threatens relationships, dreams, and even a few years in poverty can cripple a person for life and force them to be stuck in the poverty cycle until they die. It's a slow death, sometimes you don't even realize you are dying, but holy shit does it hold onto you tight.

Take Nicholas Bose for example (pictured right above these words). He has a PhD in immunology and microbiology but has been underemployed since 2008 where he lost his research position. When the economy crashed he couldn't find a job so he took a job bagging groceries. He can't get another research job because no one trusts a man who hasn't had a research job since 2008. He was one of those "jobs" that is helping America bounce back.l

Fuck any system that doesn't recognize that as an impossible loop to get out of.

If you are comfortable with lying about your boob maggots in order to make others feel more comfortable and for them to not know the pain that you are living with, then you should have no hesitation making up an entire job on your resume, saying your boss was John Kelly, and making up what ever job duties you need to lie about to get that fucking job.

I am not kidding. The amount of background checks, reference checks, and actual work that is spent to ensure that you have done what you have said you have done is laughable. I have conducted many of these interviews and I have yet to see any sort of check on any position. The people in power have been consistently looking for loopholes to gain further power, get more money, and push you down further. Then they were stupid enough to leave this huge loophole open?

I say we drive through with a fucking tank through that loophole. 

 Lie, lie, and lie again on your resume. BUT, make sure you do your work to ensure that the lie is full proof. Take some time on your lie, make it clever, elegant, and believable. Find a friend who can lie without hesitation and make him your reference. Become the lie because that is the only way some of us will ever break out of this cycle.

I guarantee you if there were more people in power like the friends that I have made, the individuals that have inspired me, and the ones who went out of their way to help me out in my time of need, then we would have a much different graph then the one above. So, next time you see your dream job or a job that you would be perfect for, lie until you are the perfect candidate for that job because trust me the person before you wasn’t perfect either.

Live Deliberately

John Kelly

****The Cure for Boob Maggots - DONATE HERE

We are constantly troubled by uncountable accounts of boob maggots in the 3rd world.  But it is true these maggots could cripple any one of our beloved female friends, families, and partners.

That is why I am starting a kickstarter to end Boob Maggots. For the next 60 days, I will attempt to raise $2,000 to travel to Ghana where boob maggots have been particularly aggressive and help women clean and soap up their boobs.

It is a hard task but I am up to the challenge. Some of have labeled me as the modern day Jesus Christ, and although I will not disagree with them, I prefer to think of myself more as a Gandhi like figure.

Even a $10 dollar donation will help me reach these women who need their boobs cleaned the most. Dirty boobs, small boobs, big boobs with hard to reach areas, nothing will is too big or too small of a task for me.

If I do not reach the $2,000 mark within 60 days then all of your money will be returned to you. In the case that I fail, which I really, really hope that I don’t, I ask one thing of you of dear readers: scrub some boobs for charity.