Have you ever felt pure happiness? And I mean absolute pure 100% happiness, because I thought I did until yesterday. I can barely even describe it. It feel as though the world is completely on your side in every aspect and has a tremendous prejudice for you and only you in your favor. You can feel it when you walk outside or when you ride your bike as fast as you can or while listening to the fucking sickest solo by Coltrane on Resolution. It is everywhere, the happiness seeps into everything, and improves every area of your life tremendously, more than you actually thought possible by one single mood. With pure happiness you will just be walking to your destination and can't help but smile and walk with a certain air of giddiness while waving at everyone you see. You feel as though no problems are impossible and that you can solve them all and today, I feel as though I am standing on top of the world and yelling my name for everyone to hear.
As many of you know, I have been planning my trip to Washington DC for ages now but it recently got canceled due to the clusterfuck that is Nicole's life. She was going to drive her car, but realized that it doesn't work and hasn't run for quite some time, and she couldn't rent a car because she lost all of her credit cards (I decided not to press the issue further, but I still believe that she truly lost them like behind the fridge). I say clusterfuck not to offend or shock my audience but because it is the perfect way to describe her life. She is the most oblivious person I have ever met, the entire time we were in DC she was constantly lost and constantly behind the group. She would sit in the car and look up words in the dictionary and then have to look up the words in the definition of that word because she did not know "exactly" (her word not mine) what they meant and then had to look up the words in those definitions because she had no fucking clue on those either. I suggested she started on something simpler like Cat in the Hat but I guess she did have a 35 hour car ride to kill.
But anyways Nicole came through at midnight the night before we were supposed to leave, she knew a guy who wanted to go there and so Ian and I went "Shit yeah."
We meet the guy (whose name is Andrew S. Taylor) the next day and he is the biggest walking oxymoron I have ever seen. He has a hillbilly look to him with a Virginian accent, claims to be a decedent of Robert E Lee and is by all means homophobic and racist. BUT! He drives a Honda Civic, play fucking jazz JAZZ FUCKING JAZZ!, and is driving to Washington DC to go see Jon Stewart. I have no idea where to put this guy, he is just absolutely bizzare. His only request was "That he get to bring 'is dawg" So we let him bring his dog named Amos. I thought it was Anus but I was too scared to ask the hillbilly man what the fuck he was saying.
Amos (formally known as Anus) was the most human dog I have ever met in my life but he was more like a school yard bitch human than a Macgyver. He was so afraid of everything and was so needy. Constantly I had to pet him and every time I pet him, he would get excited and get an erection. He would lay on my pillows and if I didn't allow him to lay on my pillows he wouldn't let me sleep and would just keep stepping on my testicles, ensuring my insomnia.
This was our posse for the trip and with this combination of adventurers ,we were sure to have a bitchin time and I was fucking excited.
We finally get to the rally and it is nuts. Absolutely Boozackers (new word I just made up, do not look up in the dictionary). There were so many people there that they can't fit half of the people there on the actual national mall. People were legitimately standing on the porter potties just to get a spot.
The rally was intense, so intense that Ian and I couldn't get a decent spot but it didn’t matter, we were too intrigued by everyone else there standing up for their sanity. So we decided to bail on the rally because of the shitty shity spots (PUN INTENDED!!!!) we kept getting, and just start walking around to see what DC had to offer. We realized soon enough that everyone else had that same thought process, every street we went on was just a mass of people, walking ignominiously (look it up). There were probably 250,000 at the rally and 1,000,000 marching around it. Everyone would just walk on the streets because there was no logistical way that they could all fit in the sidewalk.
Everyone just kept walking towards an ambiguous goal and onto streets that weren’t for them causing them to shut down and every street connected to it. I felt like I was part of the march on Washington that helped pass the Civil Rights Amendment, but instead of inspiration black leaders, I had a man in a chicken suit making just horrendous jokes to me while looking for the nearest McDonalds. But that is exactly what America needs right now (Not literally, I should not, cannot, and will not advocate dressing up like a fucking chicken), it doesn’t need more pissed off people, we have those already, I feel as though everyone is trying to be the next Martin Luther King Jr. and that is causing so much conflict and chaos. We can see it with Obama running on the message of hope and courage while making grandiose speeches trying to maintain that air of conviction and determination that King had and then he gets fucked by Glen Beck who is trying to maintain that very same thing in the exact opposite direction so you end up having two individuals trying to yell louder than the other, while neither of them keeping the qualities they were going for in the first place. Then I realized how I am I going to save the world( I know it sounds ridiculous and little egotistical to think that I can save the world but Goddammit I want to be Martin Luther King [I don’t actually want to be him, I realize I am way to white to even close to being him but I want to be the idea of him, you know what I fucking mean, stop getting into the specifics]).
Well to be fair I didn’t realize it right then, I am lying a little bit, I apologize, I realized it when I went to the Lincoln Memorial. Have you ever seen the Lincoln Memorial? Don’t Answer that. Go see it again if you have, it is one of the very, very, very few things in life that when you actually see it, it doesn’t disappoint. It is magnificent in every regard and you can look across the room and see everyone with the same exact face of awe from the smallest child to the oldest man, it is simply breathtaking.
It is a symbol for me for togetherness and unity and I got to thinking that Lincoln was a great man and used this unmatched power to save the union. But then I realized that’s bullshit, he didn’t save it by himself. He had a lot of help.
He wasn’t a military man and he realized it so he hired Grant to command the forces and implent a winning strategy. Even getting elected he needed help and chose Andrew Johnson to be his Vice-President to make him more appealing to the southerners. He needed help and so do I.
I do not need the help of people with a loud voice and passion in their words, I already have that. I need intelligent people to help me out, to do the things that I am not good at or to show me that I am wrong. Because as I have said before, I normally don’t get things right the first time (in fact I am told that a lot) and my IQ doesn’t even come close to breaking the bank and I need people that can help me in the areas where I just cannot succeed. I need a collation of friends. A League if you will. Not of leaders or of future martyrs but of Ordinary Men, who realize that is something terrible with this world and want to work together to show that the time of impatience and anger is through and that pragmatism and thoughtful thinking will save the world. To preserve the sanctity of America, because it has come way too far, and it has become too great, just to watch it perish and dissolve.
That’s why I am starting today, November 3, 2010, The League of Ordinary Men. This group will be dedicated to solving all problems domestic and international from gigantic problems like Genocide in Darfur to smaller problems like how to alleviate boredom while on the toilet. I don’t have the specifics of it yet in fact I have nothing for it yet, because I just thought of the idea today, but keep your eyes open and keep your minds thinking because this is coming, and its coming fast because the world needs to be saved yesterday and we don’t even have a plan for today.
My name is John Kelly and I will Live Deliberately. Will you?
*****Marriage
John Needs to Get Married
Why you should marry John Kelly (I don’t know why I should be even putting this)
A Trip to Vegas and a copious amount of alcohol so that we can married
Jokes!
Moderate to Great Lover (depends on body type and amount of Barry White’s music going on)
No problem paying taxes!!
Can do up to 12 household chores in a week
Won’t bitch about the Laundry
Medically Fascinating body for you Pre-Med Majors
Nickname “The Horse”
Will not use smiley faces in text messages
Can fit entire fist into mouth
Hacky Sack skills are above Par
Dancing abilities, greatest in the nation?
Extremely soft hands and feet
Afraid of Cotton balls
Doesn’t care if you like Jesus
Smokes fancy cigars on occasion
Watches about 2 TV programs a night
Knows a little bit about Jewish Culture
Can recite all of Bitches Aint Shit
Can rollerblade at unsafe speeds
Owns a bike
Knows other people than also own bikes
Like Puppies
Dislikes Puppies who poop on themselves
Fingers are extremely long
Will go on walks if talked into it
Adequate Pumpkin Carver
Published Poet
Great Speaking Voice
Laugh that can carry across the ocean
Perfect Jaw and Nose
Knows how to work the speaker phone on most cellular devices
Has Own Blog
Bigger than Average Nipple
Magic Regrowing Nipple
Takes Pictures on occasion unless inconvenient in the slightest
Likes the idea of learning a new language
Friends with people who aren’t white
Mainly has white friends
Surprisingly Strong Sternum
Makes really long lists that people won’t read
