Jesusland
Graham Greene once said “You can’t conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God.”
I don’t know whose ass he was kissing there because I just think he is vindictive.
I have spent this entire summer wondering about my unique creator and what involvement he has in my life. A creator whose power and might formed this very Earth and gave birth to the beauty that it holds Majestic and soft yet audacious and infinite, me being a mere mortal I couldn’t wrap my mind about Him. This summer I stood in awe of the God invoked beauty that I saw in Colorado, the friendship I renewed in Tempe, the invincible feeling I got when I rode my motorcycle at over 45 miles per hour, the intense and religious awakening motivation that I felt when I listened to Procol Harum’s A Salty Dog in the summer rain. This summer I was finally mending my relationship with God.
Then those fucking Republicans came back into the picture.
I spent about 3 weeks in my bathrobe walking back and forth trying to figure out how to beat these bastards on the debt deal. Have you ever seen me in my bathrobe? It’s truly a sight to see. I look nothing short of an insane Unabomber with chicken legs and unflattering figure. To be fair I don’t believe anyone looks truly sane in a bathrobe but I especially look like a drugged out emaciated alien. My boxers are always hiked up as high as they can which forces my testicles, and therefore my entire mindset, to go to the left in a disgusting bulge. Whenever I wear my bathrobe it is a horrible experience for everyone involved.
But I couldn’t solve the debt deal, they were willing to default which meant the end of America as a global superpower as we knew it and I couldn’t understand why they wanted that. They wanted to eliminate the Federal government while pledging allegiance to the Flag and praying to Jesus Christ. Instead of boasting about America being the greatest country in the world and trying to push its power and scope in the world so that we may once again advanced the human race past our dreams, they wanted to destroy and reduce America and all of its ambitions. I couldn’t understand how anyone was behind this anarchist party; I don’t know how the hell they called themselves patriots.
I remember seeing on Drudge Report the day after the debt deal, there was a gigantic story and headline of “OBAMA EATS 1,600 CALORIE LUNCH!”
Those feckless thugs stooped to a new low level that reminded me of Jenny Craig with a Hitler mustache. This was the biggest headline on Drudge Report and that in itself was a crime The main headline was not that the “Downgrade was looming” or that “To Everyone’s Surprise America Does Not Have Gigantic Revolt Against the Tea Party” or to hell with it I would have even settled a nice nip slip to look at (which would increase their viewers 10 fold). But no they went with the President’s diet choices on the day before his birthday.
Then if Burger Gate wasn’t enough in the middle of the lunch a Reporter spotted a boy who came up to Obama and during the conversation Obama decided to be generous to the child and give him the President’s milkshake. Within minutes afterwards the headline quickly turned from the 1600 Calorie Lunch to “OBAMA SHOVES FATTY MILKSHAKE DOWN CHILD’S THROAT!”
This is insane and this is the party that claims to have the moral high ground when they are talking about all the milkshakes in yard as though it indoctrination of everyone’s child. This is the party that claims that God is on their side and that Liberals are Godless cretins with bulging awkward underwears. This is the party that throws around Liberal as though it was a dirty, soulless word. This is the party that throws the word Liberal at our feet as though it was scum and not a badge of honor. I am proud to be Liberal. Liberals are the ones the freed the slaves. Liberals are the ones that got African-Americans the right to vote, Liberals are the ones that got women the right to Vote. Liberals are the ones that passed the Civil Rights Act, The Voting Rights Act, and the Clean Water Act. Liberals are the ones that brought an elderly generation out of poverty and gave them health care.
Conservatives?
They opposed every single one of those measures, every single one. Then they get say Liberal is a dirty word? They get to hold the monopoly on Moral Justice?
Well Fuck that Shit.
This brings me back to my first point: Where the shoot is God in all of this? Is he standing by the sidelines as they reverse these measures? He is helping them? IS HE HELPING THEM!? Is the GOP the party of God? Has the Creator, the God of this vast Coloradoan Landscape, Creator of Friendship, Creator of Procol Harum, The Master of Karate, really backed the party that is trying to destroy the very reasons I started liking God in the first place?
Well I am sick of it.
I am starting a new fucking religion.
I don’t know if God is backing the other side and acting as a criminal. Or if God is standing idly by and being criminally negligent. Either way
God is a criminal.
(Mariah Franklin if you are still reading, this would be a good place to stop.)
The Church of the John Kelly Like Saints
Egotistical Much?
I am not saying that I am God or that I am God like but rather that I am offering a cheap, efficient substitute to God for those individuals whose prayers have yet to be answered and are pissed off about it.
Prayers
Prayers will work in the form of hand written letters. God cannot hear you nor can you send him with a letter but with a 42 cent postage stamp I can read all of your concerns. I will actually try my absolute damnedest to answer and solve all of your prayers. If a bully is picking on you at school, I will try and pay someone much stronger than the both of us to beat him up for you. If you need to trying to win over the girl of your dreams, I will get her drunk for you and get you two in a room (Despite what the Christians say, Alcohol solves a lot of relationship issues). If you are upset that the Republicans are taking over this country and forcing good Americans to feel like foreigners in their own country, then I will run for office.
I will be a God(quick jump from Business man to God?) that will that listen to you rather than have you waste your words on your mom cracking the door open so that she can listen to you beg to your ceiling before you go to bed. I will be tangible, relatable, a mere mortal, and most of all in reach of the United States Postal Service.
If funds are required for your prayers and you believe it would be wrong or stupid to try and make me foot the bill, please include money so that I can fulfill your prayers. I give you the John Kelly Guarantee of Approval that I will do my absolute best to fulfill each and every one of your prayers.
We do have some beliefs within this religion and I will not violate any commandments or beliefs or anything I stretch the commandments to mean. I will stretch them if necessary
The Foundational Principles
1. Snuggling is not a sin nor is it a commitment
2. A fresh pair of socks will make your day so much better
3. “Epic” Is a really annoying word and should never be used
4. Ryan Lane will solve all of our computer technical problems
5. Toy Story 2 was an okay movie
6. Lack of Random Sexual Encounters should be fixed at any cost
7. Matthew Brewer is the church’s enemies for more reasons to count
8. Don’t care if you like Jesus
9. Pencils will be lost and you will have to beg for new ones but they should be granted in every single instance you would ever need one.
10. Do not let Maddie Roy near hot things
11. You should learn how to whistle at all costs
12. Bathrobes will not be judged, neither will weird looking balls
13. Glitter is fun, not a lifestyle
14. You are allowed to Rate, Date, Mate but please do not Rape
15. Sammy Kirshbaum is secretly the funniest kid in the world
Commandments
1. Love but do not tickle thy God
2. When voting, look for a mind at work
3. When going to the bathroom, please keep your problems and troubles to yourself
4. Be Fearful of those who believe they know what God wants you to do
5. Fridays will be casual
6. Remember that fixing America, and by extension the world, does not mean reducing it
7. Distrust anyone who doesn’t get overwhelmingly excited when Peeps come back for Easter
8. No Fat Chicks
9. You should like every single country in the entire world and prove it
10. Live Deliberately
If you would like to become a full fledge member of the Church of John Kelly Like Saints then please send your prayers to:
St. John Kelly
1000 Forest Meadows St.
APT# 230
Flagstaff, AZ 86001
Please allow 24-72 hours for a response back in addition to the shitty mail service time that will be inevitable by product of the reduction in government funds.
Live Deliberately
John Kelly
