Dear Bernard Sanders,
First off, I want to tell you that you Ja Rule. There are very few candidates who can take the stage looking like the old man who gave you nickles for Halloween and somehow still manage to blow the roof off of every town hall he enters. Every time you stand behind a podium it reminds me of Michelangelo approaching a blank marble block or Caesar standing at the Pantheon delivering his soldiers' marching orders to take back the republic or Little Caesar mashing pizza dough and trash together to make a quick $5.
You are one of the few populists that I have seen actually stand for something. (Looking at you Obama).
You aren't afraid to take a position compared to those other clowns who have said things like “ I might not have not gone into Iraq if they didn’t have the right intelligence unless that information came via Dick Cheney’s crystal ball... …… on a wednesday …… please give me money”
You on the other hand have actually taken a stand for what you believe in and have not backed down in the face in adversity.
Bernie you have verbally decimated the war on drugs calling it racist, illegal, and the cause for a generation of black men stuck behind bars. You have pushed back for the working poor and let the richest men in the country know that you don’t want them to donate to your campaign, instead you blatantly tell them loud and clear that you want to take their money through taxes and put it into education, healthcare, innovation, infrastructure, and creating a future that doesn’t look like a bad mad max remake.
But you have enough yes men.
Because I am here to tell you though even though that I believe in you with all my heart, I know in my brain that you can’t win. You know this. I know this. Hillary Clinton knows this. And this true fact is your greatest weakness and by far your strongest advantage.
The Koch Brothers are spending an unprecedented amount of money in this election to the tune of $1 billion dollars. Hillary Clinton hasn’t been doing anything besides trying to raise a formidable war chest to try and take on the GOP’s deep pockets. You on the other hand will be lucky to raise $10 million dollars before you get your ass pummled on Super Tuesday and won’t have a leg to stand on.
The bright side? None of that matters.
The Koch brothers aren’t going after you.In fact they want you to get as many votes as you can get to try and push Clinton into some unfavorable terrority. The media ain’t coming after you. You are the only hope they have to make the Democratic Primary beat the Seinfeld reruns they were going to show in its place. The media will treat you like a king.
The very fact that you are getting this free pass from every single one of your opponents shows that you don’t have a chance in hell and you know it.
What you need to do with is use this free pass to make as loud of a noise as you can make.
I know you know all of this. I just want to let you know that I know all of this. I also know that you haven’t been doing the job you need to be doing. Townhalls, campaign speeches, CNN interviews are all great but that is small ball crap. That is how you normally run a campaign. If you play by the normal rules and follow the normal campaign guidelines, than this run is all for nothing. Don't be fooled by the good press, you need to fool them.
You need someone like me. You need an idea guy. A guy to come up with political stunts that are so smart, so edgy, and so thought provoking that it can compete with billions of dollars in ad money. You need to stop any money you are spending on campaign ads, ground staff, leaflets, offices in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina. You need to stop spending money on anything that a normal politician would.
After you do that, you need to hire me.
Now before you call me up and offering me a corner office and a huge salary. I need to tell you what my is plan for you. It’s a 3 point plan that will certainly lose you the election, hopefully put you into a prison cell, and make you go down in history comparable to Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. It might not be the plan you have in place. It certainty is not the plan your campaign manager is telling you to go for or what you thought was going to happen when you started running. But you need to do it, because we need you do it. You are 73 years old and one Mars Bar away from a diabetic coma. Do something with your time. Even Sheleela Booof wants you too.
The nation doesn’t need another president who gets muddled down in the partisan bickering.
We need a leader and that leader doesn’t have to sit in the oval office. We need a leader who can push the fucking rich back into their corner and bring back the Middle Class. We need a leader to say out loud that black lives matter and push back against police brutality that has caused so much unneeded pain. We don't need a shift in electoral politics, we need a political revolution. And I will give it to you
….. if you follow my 3 point plan (it sounds like I am going to offer it for $19.95. Or $9.99. I should have written this to Herman Cain)
- Move your campaign headquarters to Zuccotti Park
Zuccotti Park is the birthplace of Occupy and these are exactly the type of supporters you will need. Doing this will instantly make you a cult leader and by putting your campaign headquarters in the middle of the park, it shows that you are the voice of the New Occupy movement. The occupy movement failed because of 3 things: lack of a leader, the cold winter forcing them out, and the finger twirling. The finger twirling was so stupid and made everyone of those supporters look like children. I am not saying I am going to leave if you make me twirl my fingers if I agree with you, I am just saying I will make jokes behind your back. Make the headquarters be able to hold a lot of people, have heaters come in the winter months and allow people to camp out there as long as they can. This will be a much better allocation of campaign funds than those annoying leaflets you get in the mail.
With the momentum that Occupy was able to produce and the current frustrations within the Black Lives Matter movement, you could start protests and similar camps around the nation so that every can see hear your voice without having to press skip 5 seconds in on a youtube video.
Putting your headquarters here will show to the banks and the government that they can't wait till the first frost for the political movement to die and this alone will give you the strength to weaken their foundation.
2. Run as an Independent -
Now we will have to time this perfectly. As soon as you run as an independent Hillary Clinton’s machine will jump on you and for a good reason. If you run as an independent you will cost her the election and she knows that. The republicans however, will cheer you on because you just became their golden ticket to the Oval Office. This will immediately force every political pundit to take you seriously and if you can get into the Presidential debates, then you have won. That is your goal the moment you stop running for the Democratic nomination. Get into the debates. Make the switch at the beginning of 2016 right before Iowa for the biggest impact possible. It will make the Democratic nomination incredibly boring and put the spotlight on you.
If you do this right, you could start a 3rd party in America and return a notion of democracy back to American politics, rather than 2 terrible parties battling it out.
3. Smoke Weed on the Senate Floor -
Now you need to get arrested. This sounds like the sort of suggestion that will cause you not hire me, but let’s take a look at history and you will see how right I am.
- In 1930 Gandhi walked all the way to the Indian Ocean to make salt in protest of the British Government. The British government forbid this and made India buy all of its salt from the Motherland. This simple act became a symbol and resulted in the arrest of over 60,000 citizens and ended with the toppling of the oppressive British regime. After Gandhi made the first cup of salt, the British government couldn’t stop the nation from everyone making their own salt in defiance.
- In 1849 Henry David Thoreau refused to pay his taxes in a protest of the Mexican- American War as a symbol of Civil Disobedience. Here Thoreau wrote Civil Disobedience from his jail cell and became a rallying cry for Martin Luther King and Gandhi after him.
- In 1963, Martin Luther King was arrested in Birmingham, Alabama and from here he wrote a letter that spread across the nation and showed to those in the south, the inexcusable treatment of African Americans in this country.
The jail cell became every one of their podiums and it can become your platform to change the nation.
By lighting up a joint on the Senate floor you can make a stance against the drug war that has imprisoned nearly 1 million people for weed alone and almost 2 million for all non-violent drug charges. The media will crave this type of story. Let Mitch McConnell take you to jail and from here and the media will cover it so much that you can talk all day about racist prison policies, the fact that we have spent over $51 billion in the past year alone on the drug war and $1.5 trillion since its start, and most importantly that conditions of prison do not rehabilitate prisoners but make it harder for them if they ever get out.
Let the doobie be your salt, let your prison cell be your pulpit, if you do this right you will have protesters across the nation lighting up a doobies for the first time not to get high but in protest of a government that puts corporations firsts at the cost of millions of lives.
Now I am sure I could make some bullshit up about how I have time management skills and a hard work ethic, but I am sure you got plenty of people who can do that for you. You need someone who isn’t trying to get you elected. You need someone who isn’t trying to get electoral votes. You need someone who believes that ideas are bigger than the office. You need someone who is willing to travel the less taken path and can handle a bit of chaos when thrown its way. You need an idea man and we need you.
Bernie Sanders for President
John Kelly
Live Deliberately
