Jesusland

Jesusland

Graham Greene once said “You can’t conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God.”

I don’t know whose ass he was kissing there because I just think he is vindictive.

I have spent this entire summer wondering about my unique creator and what involvement he has in my life. A creator whose power and might formed this very Earth and gave birth to the beauty that it holds  Majestic and soft yet audacious and infinite, me being a mere mortal I couldn’t wrap my mind about Him. This summer I stood in awe of the God invoked beauty that I saw in Colorado, the friendship I renewed in Tempe, the invincible feeling I got when I rode my motorcycle at over 45 miles per hour, the intense and religious awakening motivation that I felt when I listened to Procol Harum’s A Salty Dog in the summer rain. This summer I was finally mending my relationship with God.

Then those fucking Republicans came back into the picture.

I spent about 3 weeks in my bathrobe walking back and forth trying to figure out how to beat these bastards on the debt deal. Have you ever seen me in my bathrobe? It’s truly a sight to see. I look nothing short of an insane Unabomber with chicken legs and unflattering figure. To be fair I don’t believe anyone looks truly sane in a bathrobe but I especially look like a drugged out emaciated alien. My boxers are always hiked up as high as they can which forces my testicles, and therefore my entire mindset, to go to the left in a disgusting bulge. Whenever I wear my bathrobe it is a horrible experience for everyone involved.

But I couldn’t solve the debt deal, they were willing to default which meant the end of America as a global superpower as we knew it and I couldn’t understand why they wanted that. They wanted to eliminate the Federal government while pledging allegiance to the Flag and praying to Jesus Christ. Instead of boasting about America being the greatest country in the world and trying to push its power and scope in the world so that we may once again advanced the human race past our dreams, they wanted to destroy and reduce America and all of its ambitions. I couldn’t understand how anyone was behind this anarchist party; I don’t know how the hell they called themselves patriots.

I remember seeing on Drudge Report the day after the debt deal, there was a gigantic story and headline of “OBAMA EATS 1,600 CALORIE LUNCH!”

Those feckless thugs stooped to a new low level that reminded me of Jenny Craig with a Hitler mustache. This was the biggest headline on Drudge Report and that in itself was a crime The main headline was not that the “Downgrade was looming” or that “To Everyone’s Surprise America Does Not Have Gigantic Revolt Against the Tea Party” or to hell with it I would have even settled a nice nip slip to look at (which would increase their viewers 10 fold).  But no they went with the President’s diet choices on the day before his birthday.

Then if Burger Gate wasn’t enough in the middle of the lunch a Reporter spotted a boy who came up to Obama and during the conversation Obama decided to be generous to the child and give him the President’s milkshake. Within minutes afterwards the headline quickly turned from the 1600 Calorie Lunch to “OBAMA SHOVES FATTY MILKSHAKE DOWN CHILD’S THROAT!”

This is insane and this is the party that claims to have the moral high ground when they are talking about all the milkshakes in yard as though it indoctrination of everyone’s child. This is the party that claims that God is on their side and that Liberals are Godless cretins with bulging awkward underwears. This is the party that throws around Liberal as though it was a dirty, soulless word. This is the party that throws the word Liberal at our feet as though it was scum and not a badge of honor. I am proud to be Liberal. Liberals are the ones the freed the slaves. Liberals are the ones that got African-Americans the right to vote, Liberals are the ones that got women the right to Vote. Liberals are the ones that passed the Civil Rights Act, The Voting Rights Act, and the Clean Water Act. Liberals are the ones that brought an elderly generation out of poverty and gave them health care.

Conservatives?

They opposed every single one of those measures, every single one. Then they get say Liberal is a dirty word? They get to hold the monopoly on Moral Justice?

Well Fuck that Shit.

This brings me back to my first point: Where the shoot is God in all of this? Is he standing by the sidelines as they reverse these measures? He is helping them? IS HE HELPING THEM!?  Is the GOP the party of God? Has the Creator, the God of this vast Coloradoan Landscape, Creator of Friendship, Creator of Procol Harum, The Master of Karate, really backed the party that is trying to destroy the very reasons I started liking God in the first place?

Well I am sick of it.

I am starting a new fucking religion.

I don’t know if God is backing the other side and acting as a criminal. Or if God is standing idly by and being criminally negligent. Either way

God is a criminal.

(Mariah Franklin if you are still reading, this would be a good place to stop.)

The Church of the John Kelly Like Saints

              

Egotistical Much?

I am not saying that I am God or that I am God like but rather that I am offering a cheap, efficient substitute to God for those individuals whose prayers have yet to be answered and are pissed off about it.

Prayers

Prayers will work in the form of hand written letters. God cannot hear you nor can you send him with a letter but with a 42 cent postage stamp I can read all of your concerns. I will actually try my absolute damnedest to answer and solve all of your prayers. If a bully is picking on you at school, I will try and pay someone much stronger than the both of us to beat him up for you. If you need to trying to win over the girl of your dreams, I will get her drunk for you and get you two in a room (Despite what the Christians say, Alcohol solves a lot of relationship issues). If you are upset that the Republicans are taking over this country and forcing good Americans to feel like foreigners in their own country, then I will run for office.

I will be a God(quick jump from Business man to God?) that will that listen to you rather than have you waste your words on your mom cracking the door open so that she can listen to you beg to your ceiling before you go to bed. I will be tangible, relatable, a mere mortal, and most of all in reach of the United States Postal Service.

If funds are required for your prayers and you believe it would be wrong or stupid to try and make me foot the bill, please include money so that I can fulfill your prayers. I give you the John Kelly Guarantee of Approval that I will do my absolute best to fulfill each and every one of your prayers.

   

We do have some beliefs within this religion and I will not violate any commandments or beliefs or anything I stretch the commandments to mean. I will stretch them if necessary

The Foundational Principles

1.      Snuggling is not a sin nor is it a commitment

2.      A fresh pair of socks will make your day so much better

3.      “Epic” Is a really annoying word and should never be used

4.      Ryan Lane will solve all of our computer technical problems

5.      Toy Story 2 was an okay movie

6.       Lack of Random Sexual Encounters should be fixed at any cost

7.      Matthew Brewer is the church’s enemies for more reasons to count

8.       Don’t care if you like Jesus

9.       Pencils will be lost and you will have to beg for new ones but they should be granted in every single instance you would ever need one.

10.   Do not let Maddie Roy near hot things

11.  You should learn how to whistle at all costs

12.  Bathrobes will not be judged, neither will weird looking balls

13.  Glitter is fun, not a lifestyle

14.   You are allowed to Rate, Date, Mate but please do not Rape

15.  Sammy Kirshbaum is secretly the funniest kid in the world

Commandments

1. Love but do not tickle thy God

2. When voting, look for a mind at work

3. When going to the bathroom, please keep your problems and troubles to yourself

4. Be Fearful of those who believe they know what God wants you to do

5. Fridays will be casual

6. Remember that fixing America, and by extension the world, does not mean reducing it

7. Distrust anyone who doesn’t get overwhelmingly excited when Peeps come back for Easter

8. No Fat Chicks

9. You should like every single country in the entire world and prove it

 10. Live Deliberately

 

If you would like to become a full fledge member of the Church of John Kelly Like Saints then please send your prayers to:

St. John Kelly

1000 Forest Meadows St.

APT# 230

Flagstaff, AZ 86001

Please allow 24-72 hours for a response back in addition to the shitty mail service time that will be inevitable by product of the reduction in government funds.

Live Deliberately

John Kelly



Mike Kelly: The Greatest Man I Know

The Otherside of John Kelly

Ever since @Sammy Howden (doesn't work on blog, ask Ryan Lane how to fix this) talked about how awesome fat ugly chicks are in bed, I can't seem get them off my mind.

I think the attraction that I have is that they are so hideous that you are a sexual God in their eyes rather than Anne Frank's little brother. True I might be a 6.8 on a good day but when I am going after women who are easily a 7.2, I will always feel inadequate. I want to be the hot girl for once, I want a gross fat chick.

Being a hot chick must be awesome. You get the other partner to do everything in the relationship. You can just lay their during sex and act like it is a treat for them rather than try and thrust your dick in them in hopes they will think your awesome sex moves will make up for your lack of attractiveness. I can't wait to be a hot chick, I want to dominate in the relationship. But not even just dominate, I want my future overweight girlfriend to carry me around places in fear that I will break up with her. I want to become tyrannical. I want to become the biggest bastard in the world, and I have finally come to a place in my life where I am okay with this desire.


This, like all things, brings me immediately back to Modern Britain Political Thought

Our teacher who is Scottish, has a tint of homosexuality, and is grossly overpayed asked the class "If you could shape the world government how would you make it" First off, this has nothing to do with Modern British Political Thought and it just echoes the stupid liberalism that runs through Flagstaff like a mighty stream and destroys any idea that is plausible in the slightest in the name of stupidity and ignorance.

Of course when the teacher asked this no one had any response because it was too broad of a question. After a painful silence of everyone staring at the floor, the Neo-Nazi British kid rose his hand with a smirk on his face like his answer was the best answer in the world. He then said loudly, proudly, and if I do say myself a little smugly "Well if I had my way we would have a much less population (holocaust I KNEW IT!) so that we as a species we could be self sustainable (imagine him talking like Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air but with a punk British accent) and have a socialist society with everybody equal and nobody or no group in  complete power"

Being from a crazy liberal family, I could honestly get behind that. World peace, the elimination of poverty, and equal rights who wouldn't be for that if they had the chance? I sat there in silence, silently agreeing and then I realized, this fucker would be my equal in this perfect world and I couldn't ever change that. There is no way in hell I could be comfortable with that bloke (his words not mine) being anything more than a piece of shit of society. I want my fat chick and I want her to eat cake too.

Thank God I drank a coffee that morning and was therefore prepared for the day

I quickly rose my hand and I screamed my rebuttal  "Absolutely not! If I had MY WAY, I would be king, no scratch that I would be God, and I would  not only be oppressive but extremely tyrannical as well. I would rule the world of politics, religion, and economics and every decision I would make would benefit me. I would choose policies that I thought were cool and push science and technology that I thought was cool. A push for the Cure for Smallpox? More like Teleportation. There is no way in hell I would go for a Utopian society if I was the one choosing and for anyone to say they would is either lying or stupid"

I was trying to be funny but to be completely honest when that question came up I didn't imagine Heaven or this peaceful place where everyone could come together, I imagined me, on a golden throne being carried by fat women and being fanned by the people in my lives that I never really knew but always said hi to me for some reason.    @Matt Brewer, @Pebbles Salas (Facebook jokes!)

I even imagined torture. I went that far that even imagined who I would torture and how I would do it. The first and one of the very few victims would be Glenn Beck. He would have shave like 10 monkeys a day and only be given one gillete razor to do it. Then every night before he fell asleep in his prison cell, which would obviously be covered in fecal matter, he would get punched in the mouth. It would be by someone new each and every day. It wouldn't even be hard to find people, I am sure there would be a fucking line to do it.

Some of you are shocked by this, thinking that I let Glen Beck off too easily. Have you ever tried to shave 10 monkeys while being trapped in a small cell only given a Gillete Razor to shave them? Well neither have I but I am guessing that it would be horrifying and extremely hard. I mean I don't even know how I would the hell would you approach that. But it doesn't matter to me, that will be Glen Beck's job.

Dreaming of Glen Beck getting choked by monkeys was some of the most fun I have had in a while. I realized then I need to become more of a bastard but rather than do it through tyrannical oppression, do it through something I am good at like humor. I can't pretend any longer than I am comfortable with a socialist, perfect society or even pretending that I am okay letting attractive women dominate me. No one should be able to dominate me. If I let that happen, if I am okay with that status quo, then I where the hell do I get off putting Live Deliberately at the end of every blog?

I need a roll model who doesn't care about anything and is a bastard to all that oppose him. I need an idol that uses humor and dick moves to control his life, and doesn't bow down to anyone no matter how important it is that he does. He needs to avoid logic and reason and go for the insane as he screams at you being boring and inane. I need a Glorious Bastard.

Then it hit me like a lighting bolt from Zeus himself.

The biggest bastard who live more deliberately than any man before him.

Mike Kelly, my father

For those who have never heard the stories of Mike Kelly or never met the legend himself, he is the ideal image of a hilarious bastard. He is a man who should have never had kids and never been given responsibility but has flourished with these two horrendous impositions.

Mike Kelly is a man who uses insane illogical thoughts to rule his life. This has caused him to wear a bee keepers outfit to places like Water World because he is too sick of that goddamn sun (his words not mine).


He is a man who digs holes just to dig holes. Growing up,I can't even remember all the countless holes he had me dig, only to fill them back up or just give up half way through due to 'fucking zoning laws.' Whatever the hell that means.

Mike Kelly was even voted mostly likely in higschool to become a "bum" and do fucking nothing with his life. I am sure as my father looks back on his life I feel as though he would have rather chosen the life of a homeless man as long as he had 3 things: a beekeepers outfit, aloe vera to put on his bald head, and a fucking path to walk through. I can't imagine a man filled with more idealistic nonsensical ideas that are just hilarious and cause him to be happy.


I remember as a child that he honestly thought it was a better idea just to dig a gigantic hole to bury our old couch rather than to take it to the dump. He even rented a bulldozer for some burying projects! He hasn't even changed in the slightest in all these years! I went home for Easter this past week and during my visit our TV died. Instead of throwing the TV in the car and taking it to the dump like a normal human being, he merely put the TV on a dolly cart and romped it off the cliff at our house. My dad then proceeded to tell me that he will bury it soon and give it a proper funeral . At the funeral he reassured me he would of course say some words for "Stevie the TV" and that I shouldn't be worried.

Walking back into the house from the "funeral", he screamed at me to get away from his hole that he dug because I apparently had gotten to close to it and he didn't want me "fucking with it".


THIS MAN IS FUCKING BAT CRAZY

Even the little things he does makes you wonder how mentally stable this man truly is. He asks my mom to call " Merlin" for some fucking reason, even after expressing no interest in magic or mythological worlds. He has even started to call himself "Merlin" as though he has taken on another non-related personality just to fuck with people.

He has even begun to leave little Native American stories around the house for us to read while we are doing normal activities. He has taped them up on the computer, on every single cupboard door in the house, and around the toilet for in case you need some light reading while you are having a bowel movement and you forgot the newspaper.

Half of these stories don't even make sense because he edited them to make them fit on the back of a Cherrio box.

One of them I read while I was home was "A wolf greets a child in the forest and the child backs away scared and frightened. The wolf approaches the child sniffing its body. The longer the wolf stays there the child gets increasingly more afraid. After a while the child learns from the the wolf and they become friends."

Like thanks Dad! Now I have gotten the message! Thank fucking god I didn't waste my breakfast thinking about anything else than this story about this wolf and some fucking kid.

He has to be kidding, there is no way someone can make that funny of a joke by being themselves. Mike Kelly is the funniest person I know and it took me more than 20 years to start laughing.

He even uses the Native American thing as a joke. As a kid he would take me to the Verde Valley to go look for a "crack" in the walls of the cliff to look for an undiscovered Hopi ruin. We spent days of my childhood walking along that cliff looking into a bunch of caves but never actually going in there. In a day it would be common to walk up and down the canyon walls 10 times, never going in any caves or cracks. There might have been ruins, who knows, but we never would have found out. Instead we walked through brush and loose rocks in incredible heat to walk up to each and every cave and say "isn't this beautiful!" as he pats me on the back and calls me "son."

I never quite understood what the hell that was when I was a kid but now I realize he was making such a sophisticated joke that it took 15 years of reflection for me to finally get it.

I know this is going to sound even crazier but I think I want to be exactly like him when I grow up. I have never met a man with more conviction and comedy than my dad. He acts with confidence and puts the family in horrible hilarious situations that have made me who I am today. Who else had a father who thought it would be a good idea to get 4 llamas in order to start a backpacking business in PRESCOTT, AZ. This impulsiveness and creativity has drastically shaped the world that I lived in and currently live in. He is the King, He is God, He is Mike Kelly.

I have no idea if he is the smartest man I have ever met, or just the luckiest hobo. I have been asking myself that question for 20 years of my life and I finally realized at the "funeral" that it doesn't matter in the slightest. He is happy in a world he was not destined to be in and that fact alone makes me want to be like him. He is a bastard and hates the world, so he makes jokes an does crazy things to keep himself happy. If that's not what you think of when you think of me, than you really haven't gotten to know me.

I want to be a bastard  who displays extreme levels of honesty. I want to do exactly what I want to do without rhyme or reason or having to explain myself to anyone. I don't want to have to depend on others to be happy. I want to be in a relationship where I can remain independent and come back for jokes and good company. I want to live deliberately. I want to be my King. I want to be my God. I want to be Mike Kelly.

Live Deliberately


John Kelly

Miranda Miranda, So Nice they Named her Twice

This might sound a little insane but I have been recently writing down my day dreams in an attempt to turn  them into movie plots. *** See below for details***



After doing this 3 or 4 times it seems as though every day dream I have ever had would fall into the category I can't describe any better than,  "Horror Porn". No matter how it starts it always ends in a post apocalyptic world where I have sex with many hot women while tromping over evil.



 The question is who the hell would play me in this day dream horror porn. I began to think Justin Bieber but he is just way to expensive and I am sure his penis is fucked up. I am thinking Edward Norton and then just try to tell him that it is artsy when really it is just an excuse to show full penetration. Full Penetration and some sick fighting moves!!!

AM I RIGHT FELLAS!!! WOOO WOOO WOO WOOO WOOOO 



I think Sid from Ice Age would play the cartoon version of me but his voice would be replaced by Eddie Murphey's. Or mine.

The Otherside of The Road

As many of you know I recently decided to say fuck it to my safety and good logic, and hitch hike down to Tempe. Literally everyone I told of this plan, tried to add their two cents about hitch hiking and about what exactly I needed to do to stay safe and get picked up. I am beginning to think I am surrounded by idiots because no one's advice helped and my regular instincts brought me to victory.


Here is The John Kelly Approach and therefore the best approach to hitch hiking


You need 3 things when you are hitch hiking. A funny sign, a good place to stand, and an outfit that says "I might be down to fuck." These things will get you picked up and you can worry about your safety later when you are on the road to your destination.



So I go out to the ramp in Flagstaff that leads you to the I-17 and once I get there, there are two dirty Mexicans standing on the other side of the ramp with a sign that also says Tempe. I immediately cursed them and casted them into my horror porn movie in my mind.



Who the fuck were they and why were they standing in a worse spot when they got their first? I just figured it was because I took a shower that day and therefore are more prepared for life.



So I put out my sign that says TEMPE OR CLOSER TO TEMPE THAN I AM RIGHT NOW! and I am shaking it, wiggling my butt and putting out the biggest fucking smile in the world on. No one is slowing down or even making eye contact with me. I am beginning to think that being white isn't all that great.



I even wrote a new sign funnier sign that said "Don't Tempt Me! Take me to Tempe!" and still no one stopped.



That's when a police officer stopped and drove over to park his highway patrol car right next me.



Since he was a highway patrol man and I was white I decided that he might be going to Tempe on a visit and wanted to pick me up ( This actually wasn't the case I was just nervous and I make bad jokes when I am nervous). As soon as he got out of the car I said

" Are you going to Tempe?"



Then without hesitation or trepidation he gave me the stereotypical dick cop response of  " I can give you a one way ticket to JAIL!!!!"



Are you fucking kidding me? At least have a little bit more cleverness in your response to me who is obviously joking with you. Think about your response for a fraction of a second before you just fulfill your dick cop label.



Alternate Response that the Cop should have said



Cop: "Yeah! But I have to stop by a sorority house real quick to bust up a party in hopes that one of the college girls will blow me to get out of Jail. Want to join me?"



Me: "Really?"



Cop:  "No You fucking idiot, I am about to yell at you. Those dirty Mexican guys over there are kicking your ass today on the smart scale and you even showered and everything" says the omnipotent cop












He then proceeded to yell at me and tell me that it was against the law to stand where I was standing and then praised the Mexican men on the otherside of the road for their knowledge of Flagstaff hitch hiking law.



This led to a string of arguments with the police officer which led to him patting me down to make sure that I didn't have any weapons on me. At this point my friend Annalise driving to fucking Las Vegas drives by and sees that I have made it absolutely no where on my hitchhiking journey and begins to text all of my friends that I am getting fucked by the long dick of the law. My life is a comedy.



If she stayed she would have seen my silver tongue talk my way out of getting brought into the police station for standing on the wrong side of the road. I can get out of anything, even things that aren't crimes.



The cop then was about to let me go but he wanted to use one more scare tactic to make me never hitch hike again. He asks for my name and emergency contact in case they find my raped dead body by the side of the road.



I looked at this bastard and gave him the stop fucking with me look. Not the "please stop raping me look" but  "stop fucking your stupid police power to scare me" look. I looked him in the eye and told him my name was Rupert Murdoch. I said so with conviction and with strength.



He asked for my id and I said I lost my wallet


That's when the cop decided to fuck it and leave my dead body on the future side of the road (other blog name?)



I then proceeded to climb up the bridge once the cop left and started hitch hiking on Milton, the main road in Flagstaff. Within about 5 minutes I was picked up by a Cadillac Coupe De Ville with an 80 year old lady in it with fake teeth and eyes that looked like they rotted away years ago.



I am not a big proponent of God and divine intervention but  I think I need to say this. Thank you God,  you are the funniest comedian I know and I feel like am the only one laughing.



I get into the car giddy as a steamboat to finally be back in a Cadillac and I say "Hi!!! I am John Kelly!"



She then smiles bigger than me and says my name is Miranda Miranda!



My giddiness died away, realizing that this one of those crazy people 60 minutes told me about.
"What!" I yelled at her


"Miranda Miranda!"


" You have the same first and last name?"


" Yep!"






I am so glad I hitched hiked.






We then proceeded to drive down to Tempe and she told me her life story about how she saw FDR speak at a Union Rally when she was a little girl and that she recently bought a medical marijuana card in California and that she couldn't be happier with her life.



I told her my shoe size (she claimed that I was the living embodiment of big foot) and about the League of Ordinary men and about sneaking into the Pre-Law College at NAU and she just flipped a bitch. She loved every part of me and just kept asking me such detailed questions like " what color was my sister's hair" and " who was my least favorite girlfriend"



I HAVE A FUCKING ANSWER TO THAT!



You better send me an apology letter Ms Beecham. My heart is still broken.



But I was so excited to be with her company that I didn't even care she was going 40 when the speed limit was 75. She then told me about this awesome sandwich spot in Phoenix that she always go to before she flys to Pennsylvania (She was flying to Pennsylvania because life is too short! [her words not mine, I would have suggested Maui or Jamaica or Amsterdam for excitement but she was the coolest person ever so I won't doubt her])



So we stop at this restaurant and I say I am not hungry and by this I meant I am poor. She then yelled at me to order something saying that she would pay for it and she wouldn't let another starving African die on her watch. I was confused but I excited that someone thought I was black.

She ordered a Sam Adams and she literally took one sip of it and went "OHH MY! I won't be able to finish this! Do you want it? HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! You are a college student you are basically an alcoholic!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"



I will say it again


I fucking love hitch hiking






We finished eating and by finished eating I mean she took one bite of her sandwich and wrapped it up for later. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she will not get that past TSA. We were arriving to the airport and she turns to me and says like she just discovered that I was thereand says "Do you want to go to Pennsylvania with me?"



ABSOLUTELY! But I hesitated and I don't know why



"What?" I said with excitement and fright
" I have extra money and you seem like good company and I am just going to be spending time with my friend Ruth. Would you like to come to Pennsylvania with me?"



You have to be kidding me. Did I just get a sugar mama? I think I just got a fucking sugar mama. This would make such a better story and such a better blog if I made it Pennsylvania and not just Tempe. Everyone thought I wouldn't get picked up or would die on the way to Tempe but I almost made it to Pennsylvania with a sugar mama on my arm.

Who is my favorite girlfriend ever? That answer would be Miranda Miranda



I trusted the woman the only thing was I would have to skip my mid-terms and I didn't know if I could do that. I feel like a bitch for not taking this option but it was a hard pill to swallow.



I didn't live as deliberately as I could have but I needed to see Ryan Lane and hold him again.



She dropped me off at the airport and gave me her phone number and address in Kingman so I can go visit her. She told me that she would donate to the League of Ordinary Men and help me out with school whenever I needed it.  I hugged her goodbye ( I don't put out on the first date ladies) and sent her off on her way.



I will miss Miranda Miranda


Many people thought this way too dangerous, that I shouldn't be attempting this and that I have the perfect body to become the rape boy from Mad Max: Road Warrior but I am so glad that I once again proved that Danger is my middle name.

Live Deliberately



John Danger Kelly















*****Day Dream Handbook * NO GIRLS ALLOWED* (Not a Diary)



When this Dream Occurred: On the Bus to my Criminal Justice Class



Possible Titles:  " Calico" "I'm Hot for Deadly Teacher" "A Foreign Affair"



Synopsis:
At some point I go to graduate school and return to my old high school to teach history. In the classroom I deliver enchanting lectures, each predicated on the importance of memorizing names and dates. They eat it up.



Later, being the most popular teacher ever, I lounge around turning the kids on to "free thinking."  The boys are enchanted by my rugged intellectual appearance and the girls more than mildly turned on my suave demeanor and effortless self-confidence.



There is another, lesser teacher (played by the girl who is showing WAY too much cleavage across from me), who disapproves of my intellectual charismatic sexy teaching methods. She remains strict and hard while keeping to her self most days as the other teachers mock her from a far.



I approach her and she pulls a way. I say no no and pull her back. We kiss. I reveal her gorgeous breasts.



Suddenly, there are gun shots from the other room. The minority child who overcame impossible odds to get where he is today has been shot in the heart. I furiously step over Lucas Chien's dead body and make my way to the gunman.



Tits tries to restrain me by rushing in front of me, still bare breasted.  The gunman raises his cannon and I jump in front of the bullet. It pierces my chest but luckily, I kept my pocket sized version of the US Constitution in my pocket so I have a fighting chance. With my last ounce of strength before I fall, I uppercut the gunman causing him to fly out of the window and get impaled on the Flag Pole. Guts go everywhere.



The children cheer but I am quickly loosing heart function. I tell Tits the only way to save me is if we make love. Reverse cowgirl position.



She begins to ride me as though the fate of the world depends on it. She needs to keep my heart pumping 200 beats faster than regular in order for me to pump enough blood to my body/penis. She can obviously handle it. My heart, my penis, and the school is saved.

RIP Lucas Chien- The Token Minority

An Address to the Nation

http://theleagueofordinarymen.webs.com/index.htm










Live Deliberately
John Kelly

South Beaver Elementary and the School Yard Bitches

Did you know that statistically speaking 1 in 200 men develop deep psychological problems due to the fact they feel guilt or shame for being sexually attracted to their mother? Many of you have at least 200 male friends on Facebook so odds are you know someone that faces every coming day with daunting psychological challenges because they pitched a tent whenever they see their mother.

My guess... is Matt Bricker.

School started up again at NAU and I dont know if I could have chosen a weirder schedule. My first class wasn't even on the campus it was in an elementary school near campus that NAU rented out a couple times a week.  I felt almost cheated out of college and forced to go back like I had missed some fundamental principle in kindergarten that I had to re-learn by sitting on the stained carpet and pissing in urinals that I have to crouch down on the floor to use.

I wanted to see if I could take a yellow school bus, but they wouldn't let me.


I went South Beaver Elementary school and you have to pass by a playground to enter the building and holy mother of god does that playground tempt me. Did you know they know have spy glasses just mounted on the playground now at random spots? You can now spy on the other children instead of actually playing with them. Its preparing them for future facebook stalking. Watching them, seeing who their friends are, who they are talking too can now all be accomplished on the playground far away from the judgemental views of the other children. It is really bringing our kids into the digital stalking age, and I am glad for this new technological advancement.

 If I were a kid I would dress up as a pirate every day and pretend to spot the White Whale every time the overweight playground assistant would walk by. That joke would never get old and there would never be an inappropriate time for it.

I wish I was a kid again

The class I was going to was Modern Britain Political Thought, which I must say, is a fucking mouthful and doesn't deserve to be put into an elementary school. I was a little late because I got lost around the halls (I really felt like I was a lone kindergartner again, the symbolism was drooling from this scene). I get into my class and I find out instantly that my professor is Scottish and I think to myself "ohh this will be fun, I can just imitate him all semester" but holy shit was I was so wrong.

Apparently Modern Britain Political Thought is a class that all the foreign exchange students who need a political science requirement take because it is much easier than taking an American Government Political Class. Every kid in their was talking with an accent and making fun of stupid Americans and their stupid country.

Then the professor quites the class down and decides its a good time to ask jokingly if there are actually any Americans in the class. 3 of us raise our hands. 3!!!!!!! There are only 3 Americans in the entire class and the other 2 are seniors! The class takes place in America! Why are there only 3!!

I blame the communists.

Everyone in there has some sort of prejudice towards Americans and everyone being either from Britain or from a country that used to be ruled by Britain has a crazy good concept of British History, so that makes me now the stupid American that doesn't know shit. I am by far the dumbest kid in that entire class. I almost want to come to class and put a bunch of marbles in my mouth to try and give myself a ridiculous accent in hopes that I fit in better.

And its not like they are the kids from the brady bunch either, if you fuck up they will jump down your throat. For political debate, students just attack other people's nationalities with facts and prejudice. The British kid who I am sure is a Neo-Nazi just turned towards the Australian and said "Screw off Aussie, your island is filled with British Rejects. The more wankers we send there the better your country does, says a lot about your lot doesn't it" He was obviously referring to the fact that Britain used to use Australia as a Penal Colony back in the late 18th and early 19th centuries but I feel as though I have to have the narrator from the history channel in the desk next to me to catch any of these side comments.

Then the Neo-Nazi kid finished his thought and passed the floor over to the Irish kid who then berated the Indian kid for some fucking military move his country made back before electricity was invented, and while this verbal attack was going on the Neo Nazi Kid lit up his cigarette( a fag as he called it) and started smoking it right there in South Beaver Elementary Room 100.

Don't worry the professor didn't stop him for a while. He wanted to let the Irish kid make sure the Indian kid knows how stupid his nation was and is. After the Irish kid finished his rant the professor told the little Nazi fuck to put out his cigarette and the British kid then made some wise crack that in America we can burn the flag but if you lite one little fag and the government bends you over and fucks you in the arse.

Someone needs to teach that kid what fag actually means.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, every time I go to this class I am absolutely shocked. I sit in a desk thats way to small for me, look up at the blackboard with the alphabet written at the top (and some great tips on how I should share with the other students. I wanted to ask the British kid if I could partake in his fags), and in the middle of all this of innocence and memories are the most disobedient, god-awful, extremely intelligent college kids I have ever seen in my life.


Tomorrow, I am walking back to South Beaver Elementary again, and the reading assignment we had to do for tomorrow was to read and be ready to debate Chapter 3 "How America has become the new Britain."

I won't make it out alive.

Live Deliberately

John Danger Kelly

Cruciatus in crucem!

Cruciatus in crucem!

You know I have never quite gotten what the holidays were supposed to be about. Everyone gets really excited for Christmas and seeing their family and having Christmas dinner but I have never connected with that in the slightest. Christmas its self is terrible! My family always questions what I am doing with my life and almost always at one point they question my sexual preference. It's horrendous! They almost always bring up my blog and its content and how it is grossly offensive to them and that it is some how "too shocking for the Internet". I tried to show them what questionable material the Internet had to offer and that my blog wasn't even close to as offensive as something called "Kitty Porn" (Bryn Merrell showed me this website, I do not engage in Kitty Porn. However, I cannot say the same for Ms Merrell).

But fuck them! I will not be hindered by them, they will not silence my free speech! I will continue to write even if they wonder what I am doing in a bathtub shaving my chest.  My voice will be loud and annoying and I will continue to write up a storm and by dammit I will have a smooth chest. If we are to have a free America, an America with a passion, John Kelly's blog must remain free, strong, and unhindered. I will not surrender, I will not compromise.

John not compromising

(Disregard Woman and Child also being Civil Disobedient)

It took me all of two hours to regret going home for the holidays instead of going to some South American country with only a bag of cocaine in order to coerce the local militia on my side. And plus people get so upset about the holidays. A woman outside of Wal Mart asked if I was remembering to put Jesus Christ into my Christmas activities. I told her that "Although most people like Jesus Christ Exclusively, I myself, worship him less so."  

Like Fuck you! I just came out of Wal Mart, the most unholy of all the department stores! Don't you think I feel bad enough in participating in this greed? Do you really have to give me the Jesus card as soon as I step out the sliding doors? If there is one group of people that are ruining the holidays it is these bastards. I felt so gleeful and prooding (new word, make up what ever definition you want!) as I left the store with a bag of presents and some urine on my shoes (I wasn't gleeful about the urine but urine is a inevitable by product of cheap Walmart gifts just as John Kelly's blog is an inevitable by product of Free Speech). Then this big beastly woman with a large snaggle tooth and a gross demeanor had to throw the Jesus card in my face. It is  exactly like that commercial with the one eyed dogs and the horrible singer that makes you feel like shit and it just ruins the Gilmore Girls for you and once Gilmore Girls comes back on all you can think of is that you aren't doing enough for the one eyed dogs.  I know Gilmore Girls and greed are not the best things in the world but they are certainly not the worst! Stop throwing the Jesus and One Eyed Dog Card in my Face!!!

I am thinking of changing. What do you guys think? I have always taken the stance that I shouldn't settle and it has worked out for me in a million different circumstanced but there are times where I should have definitely settled or compromised or just plain given up, but I hate doing that. It is one of the worst the feelings on setting a goal for yourself and then giving up. It is the same as failure to me, maybe I just need to reset my view of failure.

I mean I would settle on some things. For instance,  if we didn't have bagels for breakfast I wouldn't go out to the store right there then and there buy a bag of bagels. I mean cereal is a perfectly reasonable compromise and I don't feel like that is a failure accepting the Captain's Crunch, many people do it everyday I will not be judged for eating cereal. But I would never settle or compromise on girls. If I set my mind on a girl I would go for it even if I defiantly defiantly shouldn't. And I have been doing this for years! I would never give up no matter the circumstance and some people call that noble. I sure don't! I call it stupid!

I remember when I was in Preschool. I was 3 years old and there was this black girl named Jessica in our preschool and she was perfect. She had pigtails and a sassy attitude and she said that she had a remote control car that was the exact one from Toy Story. Clearly, I was going to flipp a bitch over this girl. I would always take her behind the sandbox to tell her secrets and tell her that I loved her pig tails and that she was very nice (My mother gave me this advice, I just wanted to comment on her booty). She would always just say "thank you" and then run off, and I just kept failing in every aspect. My friend (only had one) told me to stop and give up. He obviously didn't know my name is John Kelly and that I told people that I  Live Deliberately when actuality I am just sort of stupid.

  I went over to her and gave her the note and stood their extremely awkwardly until she finished reading it. I like to think it was a romantic note but I think all it said was "I Like You!!!! You like me!?" (I was 3, my love notes and awkward stance have gotten more refined). She finished reading it and handed it back to me, then ran over to her friends and giggled as they all stared at me. Apparently, that meant we were dating.

After that we did everything together. We went to roller rave ( I even learned how to skate backwards so we could go do the couples skate). I was quite the charmer. Then a week later I went over to her house and saw her remote control car from Toy Story she had talked about and I flipped a bitch. I went over to it and picked it up and she acted like I had picked up her grandmothers ashes and poured it all over my naked wet body. She pushed me down and took back her remote control car and wouldn't let me play with it. Are you fucking me!? That was the cornerstone of the relationship and now it was compromised!

I fought and fought for this girl and she ended up not being anything I wanted. I was blinded by my desire to win and not to compromise on the issue. If not being able to play with the remote control car isn't failure then I don't know what is.

I am re-evaluating myself. I need to not think, I need to know what Living Deliberately means. It doesn't mean always winning. It means knowing what winning means. I want a girl that will wear a suit and suspenders to ask me out on a date. I want a girl to live more deliberately than me. I want my goals to be able to sustain themselves upon their own, and not need constant attendance from me.

In 1940, America wasn't among the top 12 most formidable forces in the entire world. We had almost no air force to speak of and we were going to need one because we were about to enter a pretty a big war. Then Franklin Roosevelt stood in front of Congress and America, and said we will build 50,000 planes in 4 years. Everyone thought that it was impossible because the strongest military force in the world at the time, Germany, only had 35,000 planes. Political pundits from both sides of the isle called this call to action a joke, and then 4 years later we didn't build 50,000 planes. We built 100,000 planes. We gave the air force an armada to block out the yellow sun and bring a hope of freedom to those in the holocaust and help defeat the axis of evil.

FDR did not have to build these planes and neither should I. He inspired people to join the war effort and put everything they had into defending America and preserving its freedoms.  I want to inspire a woman, the perfect woman, to come up to me in suspenders and say that I am worth it. That I am worth the extra 2 miles. Sure that is a hell of a lot harder to do but maybe then, I will be able to play with their goddamn remote control car.

I will make you Live more Deliberately

John Kelly

****** Side note

I don't know where to put this really but this is the best youtube video I have ever seen in my life. Sam Howden showed me this video and he is right, this video right here was the reason they invented youtube. It is perfect in every single way and should be a cornerstone of everybody's attempt to live deliberately.