South Beaver Elementary and the School Yard Bitches

Did you know that statistically speaking 1 in 200 men develop deep psychological problems due to the fact they feel guilt or shame for being sexually attracted to their mother? Many of you have at least 200 male friends on Facebook so odds are you know someone that faces every coming day with daunting psychological challenges because they pitched a tent whenever they see their mother.

My guess... is Matt Bricker.

School started up again at NAU and I dont know if I could have chosen a weirder schedule. My first class wasn't even on the campus it was in an elementary school near campus that NAU rented out a couple times a week.  I felt almost cheated out of college and forced to go back like I had missed some fundamental principle in kindergarten that I had to re-learn by sitting on the stained carpet and pissing in urinals that I have to crouch down on the floor to use.

I wanted to see if I could take a yellow school bus, but they wouldn't let me.


I went South Beaver Elementary school and you have to pass by a playground to enter the building and holy mother of god does that playground tempt me. Did you know they know have spy glasses just mounted on the playground now at random spots? You can now spy on the other children instead of actually playing with them. Its preparing them for future facebook stalking. Watching them, seeing who their friends are, who they are talking too can now all be accomplished on the playground far away from the judgemental views of the other children. It is really bringing our kids into the digital stalking age, and I am glad for this new technological advancement.

 If I were a kid I would dress up as a pirate every day and pretend to spot the White Whale every time the overweight playground assistant would walk by. That joke would never get old and there would never be an inappropriate time for it.

I wish I was a kid again

The class I was going to was Modern Britain Political Thought, which I must say, is a fucking mouthful and doesn't deserve to be put into an elementary school. I was a little late because I got lost around the halls (I really felt like I was a lone kindergartner again, the symbolism was drooling from this scene). I get into my class and I find out instantly that my professor is Scottish and I think to myself "ohh this will be fun, I can just imitate him all semester" but holy shit was I was so wrong.

Apparently Modern Britain Political Thought is a class that all the foreign exchange students who need a political science requirement take because it is much easier than taking an American Government Political Class. Every kid in their was talking with an accent and making fun of stupid Americans and their stupid country.

Then the professor quites the class down and decides its a good time to ask jokingly if there are actually any Americans in the class. 3 of us raise our hands. 3!!!!!!! There are only 3 Americans in the entire class and the other 2 are seniors! The class takes place in America! Why are there only 3!!

I blame the communists.

Everyone in there has some sort of prejudice towards Americans and everyone being either from Britain or from a country that used to be ruled by Britain has a crazy good concept of British History, so that makes me now the stupid American that doesn't know shit. I am by far the dumbest kid in that entire class. I almost want to come to class and put a bunch of marbles in my mouth to try and give myself a ridiculous accent in hopes that I fit in better.

And its not like they are the kids from the brady bunch either, if you fuck up they will jump down your throat. For political debate, students just attack other people's nationalities with facts and prejudice. The British kid who I am sure is a Neo-Nazi just turned towards the Australian and said "Screw off Aussie, your island is filled with British Rejects. The more wankers we send there the better your country does, says a lot about your lot doesn't it" He was obviously referring to the fact that Britain used to use Australia as a Penal Colony back in the late 18th and early 19th centuries but I feel as though I have to have the narrator from the history channel in the desk next to me to catch any of these side comments.

Then the Neo-Nazi kid finished his thought and passed the floor over to the Irish kid who then berated the Indian kid for some fucking military move his country made back before electricity was invented, and while this verbal attack was going on the Neo Nazi Kid lit up his cigarette( a fag as he called it) and started smoking it right there in South Beaver Elementary Room 100.

Don't worry the professor didn't stop him for a while. He wanted to let the Irish kid make sure the Indian kid knows how stupid his nation was and is. After the Irish kid finished his rant the professor told the little Nazi fuck to put out his cigarette and the British kid then made some wise crack that in America we can burn the flag but if you lite one little fag and the government bends you over and fucks you in the arse.

Someone needs to teach that kid what fag actually means.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, every time I go to this class I am absolutely shocked. I sit in a desk thats way to small for me, look up at the blackboard with the alphabet written at the top (and some great tips on how I should share with the other students. I wanted to ask the British kid if I could partake in his fags), and in the middle of all this of innocence and memories are the most disobedient, god-awful, extremely intelligent college kids I have ever seen in my life.


Tomorrow, I am walking back to South Beaver Elementary again, and the reading assignment we had to do for tomorrow was to read and be ready to debate Chapter 3 "How America has become the new Britain."

I won't make it out alive.

Live Deliberately

John Danger Kelly

Cruciatus in crucem!

Cruciatus in crucem!

You know I have never quite gotten what the holidays were supposed to be about. Everyone gets really excited for Christmas and seeing their family and having Christmas dinner but I have never connected with that in the slightest. Christmas its self is terrible! My family always questions what I am doing with my life and almost always at one point they question my sexual preference. It's horrendous! They almost always bring up my blog and its content and how it is grossly offensive to them and that it is some how "too shocking for the Internet". I tried to show them what questionable material the Internet had to offer and that my blog wasn't even close to as offensive as something called "Kitty Porn" (Bryn Merrell showed me this website, I do not engage in Kitty Porn. However, I cannot say the same for Ms Merrell).

But fuck them! I will not be hindered by them, they will not silence my free speech! I will continue to write even if they wonder what I am doing in a bathtub shaving my chest.  My voice will be loud and annoying and I will continue to write up a storm and by dammit I will have a smooth chest. If we are to have a free America, an America with a passion, John Kelly's blog must remain free, strong, and unhindered. I will not surrender, I will not compromise.

John not compromising

(Disregard Woman and Child also being Civil Disobedient)

It took me all of two hours to regret going home for the holidays instead of going to some South American country with only a bag of cocaine in order to coerce the local militia on my side. And plus people get so upset about the holidays. A woman outside of Wal Mart asked if I was remembering to put Jesus Christ into my Christmas activities. I told her that "Although most people like Jesus Christ Exclusively, I myself, worship him less so."  

Like Fuck you! I just came out of Wal Mart, the most unholy of all the department stores! Don't you think I feel bad enough in participating in this greed? Do you really have to give me the Jesus card as soon as I step out the sliding doors? If there is one group of people that are ruining the holidays it is these bastards. I felt so gleeful and prooding (new word, make up what ever definition you want!) as I left the store with a bag of presents and some urine on my shoes (I wasn't gleeful about the urine but urine is a inevitable by product of cheap Walmart gifts just as John Kelly's blog is an inevitable by product of Free Speech). Then this big beastly woman with a large snaggle tooth and a gross demeanor had to throw the Jesus card in my face. It is  exactly like that commercial with the one eyed dogs and the horrible singer that makes you feel like shit and it just ruins the Gilmore Girls for you and once Gilmore Girls comes back on all you can think of is that you aren't doing enough for the one eyed dogs.  I know Gilmore Girls and greed are not the best things in the world but they are certainly not the worst! Stop throwing the Jesus and One Eyed Dog Card in my Face!!!

I am thinking of changing. What do you guys think? I have always taken the stance that I shouldn't settle and it has worked out for me in a million different circumstanced but there are times where I should have definitely settled or compromised or just plain given up, but I hate doing that. It is one of the worst the feelings on setting a goal for yourself and then giving up. It is the same as failure to me, maybe I just need to reset my view of failure.

I mean I would settle on some things. For instance,  if we didn't have bagels for breakfast I wouldn't go out to the store right there then and there buy a bag of bagels. I mean cereal is a perfectly reasonable compromise and I don't feel like that is a failure accepting the Captain's Crunch, many people do it everyday I will not be judged for eating cereal. But I would never settle or compromise on girls. If I set my mind on a girl I would go for it even if I defiantly defiantly shouldn't. And I have been doing this for years! I would never give up no matter the circumstance and some people call that noble. I sure don't! I call it stupid!

I remember when I was in Preschool. I was 3 years old and there was this black girl named Jessica in our preschool and she was perfect. She had pigtails and a sassy attitude and she said that she had a remote control car that was the exact one from Toy Story. Clearly, I was going to flipp a bitch over this girl. I would always take her behind the sandbox to tell her secrets and tell her that I loved her pig tails and that she was very nice (My mother gave me this advice, I just wanted to comment on her booty). She would always just say "thank you" and then run off, and I just kept failing in every aspect. My friend (only had one) told me to stop and give up. He obviously didn't know my name is John Kelly and that I told people that I  Live Deliberately when actuality I am just sort of stupid.

  I went over to her and gave her the note and stood their extremely awkwardly until she finished reading it. I like to think it was a romantic note but I think all it said was "I Like You!!!! You like me!?" (I was 3, my love notes and awkward stance have gotten more refined). She finished reading it and handed it back to me, then ran over to her friends and giggled as they all stared at me. Apparently, that meant we were dating.

After that we did everything together. We went to roller rave ( I even learned how to skate backwards so we could go do the couples skate). I was quite the charmer. Then a week later I went over to her house and saw her remote control car from Toy Story she had talked about and I flipped a bitch. I went over to it and picked it up and she acted like I had picked up her grandmothers ashes and poured it all over my naked wet body. She pushed me down and took back her remote control car and wouldn't let me play with it. Are you fucking me!? That was the cornerstone of the relationship and now it was compromised!

I fought and fought for this girl and she ended up not being anything I wanted. I was blinded by my desire to win and not to compromise on the issue. If not being able to play with the remote control car isn't failure then I don't know what is.

I am re-evaluating myself. I need to not think, I need to know what Living Deliberately means. It doesn't mean always winning. It means knowing what winning means. I want a girl that will wear a suit and suspenders to ask me out on a date. I want a girl to live more deliberately than me. I want my goals to be able to sustain themselves upon their own, and not need constant attendance from me.

In 1940, America wasn't among the top 12 most formidable forces in the entire world. We had almost no air force to speak of and we were going to need one because we were about to enter a pretty a big war. Then Franklin Roosevelt stood in front of Congress and America, and said we will build 50,000 planes in 4 years. Everyone thought that it was impossible because the strongest military force in the world at the time, Germany, only had 35,000 planes. Political pundits from both sides of the isle called this call to action a joke, and then 4 years later we didn't build 50,000 planes. We built 100,000 planes. We gave the air force an armada to block out the yellow sun and bring a hope of freedom to those in the holocaust and help defeat the axis of evil.

FDR did not have to build these planes and neither should I. He inspired people to join the war effort and put everything they had into defending America and preserving its freedoms.  I want to inspire a woman, the perfect woman, to come up to me in suspenders and say that I am worth it. That I am worth the extra 2 miles. Sure that is a hell of a lot harder to do but maybe then, I will be able to play with their goddamn remote control car.

I will make you Live more Deliberately

John Kelly

****** Side note

I don't know where to put this really but this is the best youtube video I have ever seen in my life. Sam Howden showed me this video and he is right, this video right here was the reason they invented youtube. It is perfect in every single way and should be a cornerstone of everybody's attempt to live deliberately.