Ever since @Sammy Howden (doesn't work on blog, ask Ryan Lane how to fix this) talked about how awesome fat ugly chicks are in bed, I can't seem get them off my mind.
I think the attraction that I have is that they are so hideous that you are a sexual God in their eyes rather than Anne Frank's little brother. True I might be a 6.8 on a good day but when I am going after women who are easily a 7.2, I will always feel inadequate. I want to be the hot girl for once, I want a gross fat chick.
Being a hot chick must be awesome. You get the other partner to do everything in the relationship. You can just lay their during sex and act like it is a treat for them rather than try and thrust your dick in them in hopes they will think your awesome sex moves will make up for your lack of attractiveness. I can't wait to be a hot chick, I want to dominate in the relationship. But not even just dominate, I want my future overweight girlfriend to carry me around places in fear that I will break up with her. I want to become tyrannical. I want to become the biggest bastard in the world, and I have finally come to a place in my life where I am okay with this desire.
This, like all things, brings me immediately back to Modern Britain Political Thought
Our teacher who is Scottish, has a tint of homosexuality, and is grossly overpayed asked the class "If you could shape the world government how would you make it" First off, this has nothing to do with Modern British Political Thought and it just echoes the stupid liberalism that runs through Flagstaff like a mighty stream and destroys any idea that is plausible in the slightest in the name of stupidity and ignorance.
Of course when the teacher asked this no one had any response because it was too broad of a question. After a painful silence of everyone staring at the floor, the Neo-Nazi British kid rose his hand with a smirk on his face like his answer was the best answer in the world. He then said loudly, proudly, and if I do say myself a little smugly "Well if I had my way we would have a much less population (holocaust I KNEW IT!) so that we as a species we could be self sustainable (imagine him talking like Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air but with a punk British accent) and have a socialist society with everybody equal and nobody or no group in complete power"
Being from a crazy liberal family, I could honestly get behind that. World peace, the elimination of poverty, and equal rights who wouldn't be for that if they had the chance? I sat there in silence, silently agreeing and then I realized, this fucker would be my equal in this perfect world and I couldn't ever change that. There is no way in hell I could be comfortable with that bloke (his words not mine) being anything more than a piece of shit of society. I want my fat chick and I want her to eat cake too.
Thank God I drank a coffee that morning and was therefore prepared for the day
I quickly rose my hand and I screamed my rebuttal "Absolutely not! If I had MY WAY, I would be king, no scratch that I would be God, and I would not only be oppressive but extremely tyrannical as well. I would rule the world of politics, religion, and economics and every decision I would make would benefit me. I would choose policies that I thought were cool and push science and technology that I thought was cool. A push for the Cure for Smallpox? More like Teleportation. There is no way in hell I would go for a Utopian society if I was the one choosing and for anyone to say they would is either lying or stupid"
I was trying to be funny but to be completely honest when that question came up I didn't imagine Heaven or this peaceful place where everyone could come together, I imagined me, on a golden throne being carried by fat women and being fanned by the people in my lives that I never really knew but always said hi to me for some reason. @Matt Brewer, @Pebbles Salas (Facebook jokes!)
I even imagined torture. I went that far that even imagined who I would torture and how I would do it. The first and one of the very few victims would be Glenn Beck. He would have shave like 10 monkeys a day and only be given one gillete razor to do it. Then every night before he fell asleep in his prison cell, which would obviously be covered in fecal matter, he would get punched in the mouth. It would be by someone new each and every day. It wouldn't even be hard to find people, I am sure there would be a fucking line to do it.
Some of you are shocked by this, thinking that I let Glen Beck off too easily. Have you ever tried to shave 10 monkeys while being trapped in a small cell only given a Gillete Razor to shave them? Well neither have I but I am guessing that it would be horrifying and extremely hard. I mean I don't even know how I would the hell would you approach that. But it doesn't matter to me, that will be Glen Beck's job.
Dreaming of Glen Beck getting choked by monkeys was some of the most fun I have had in a while. I realized then I need to become more of a bastard but rather than do it through tyrannical oppression, do it through something I am good at like humor. I can't pretend any longer than I am comfortable with a socialist, perfect society or even pretending that I am okay letting attractive women dominate me. No one should be able to dominate me. If I let that happen, if I am okay with that status quo, then I where the hell do I get off putting Live Deliberately at the end of every blog?
I need a roll model who doesn't care about anything and is a bastard to all that oppose him. I need an idol that uses humor and dick moves to control his life, and doesn't bow down to anyone no matter how important it is that he does. He needs to avoid logic and reason and go for the insane as he screams at you being boring and inane. I need a Glorious Bastard.
Then it hit me like a lighting bolt from Zeus himself.
The biggest bastard who live more deliberately than any man before him.
Mike Kelly, my father
For those who have never heard the stories of Mike Kelly or never met the legend himself, he is the ideal image of a hilarious bastard. He is a man who should have never had kids and never been given responsibility but has flourished with these two horrendous impositions.
Mike Kelly is a man who uses insane illogical thoughts to rule his life. This has caused him to wear a bee keepers outfit to places like Water World because he is too sick of that goddamn sun (his words not mine).
He is a man who digs holes just to dig holes. Growing up,I can't even remember all the countless holes he had me dig, only to fill them back up or just give up half way through due to 'fucking zoning laws.' Whatever the hell that means.
Mike Kelly was even voted mostly likely in higschool to become a "bum" and do fucking nothing with his life. I am sure as my father looks back on his life I feel as though he would have rather chosen the life of a homeless man as long as he had 3 things: a beekeepers outfit, aloe vera to put on his bald head, and a fucking path to walk through. I can't imagine a man filled with more idealistic nonsensical ideas that are just hilarious and cause him to be happy.
I remember as a child that he honestly thought it was a better idea just to dig a gigantic hole to bury our old couch rather than to take it to the dump. He even rented a bulldozer for some burying projects! He hasn't even changed in the slightest in all these years! I went home for Easter this past week and during my visit our TV died. Instead of throwing the TV in the car and taking it to the dump like a normal human being, he merely put the TV on a dolly cart and romped it off the cliff at our house. My dad then proceeded to tell me that he will bury it soon and give it a proper funeral . At the funeral he reassured me he would of course say some words for "Stevie the TV" and that I shouldn't be worried.
Walking back into the house from the "funeral", he screamed at me to get away from his hole that he dug because I apparently had gotten to close to it and he didn't want me "fucking with it".
THIS MAN IS FUCKING BAT CRAZY
Even the little things he does makes you wonder how mentally stable this man truly is. He asks my mom to call " Merlin" for some fucking reason, even after expressing no interest in magic or mythological worlds. He has even started to call himself "Merlin" as though he has taken on another non-related personality just to fuck with people.
He has even begun to leave little Native American stories around the house for us to read while we are doing normal activities. He has taped them up on the computer, on every single cupboard door in the house, and around the toilet for in case you need some light reading while you are having a bowel movement and you forgot the newspaper.
Half of these stories don't even make sense because he edited them to make them fit on the back of a Cherrio box.
One of them I read while I was home was "A wolf greets a child in the forest and the child backs away scared and frightened. The wolf approaches the child sniffing its body. The longer the wolf stays there the child gets increasingly more afraid. After a while the child learns from the the wolf and they become friends."
Like thanks Dad! Now I have gotten the message! Thank fucking god I didn't waste my breakfast thinking about anything else than this story about this wolf and some fucking kid.
He has to be kidding, there is no way someone can make that funny of a joke by being themselves. Mike Kelly is the funniest person I know and it took me more than 20 years to start laughing.
He even uses the Native American thing as a joke. As a kid he would take me to the Verde Valley to go look for a "crack" in the walls of the cliff to look for an undiscovered Hopi ruin. We spent days of my childhood walking along that cliff looking into a bunch of caves but never actually going in there. In a day it would be common to walk up and down the canyon walls 10 times, never going in any caves or cracks. There might have been ruins, who knows, but we never would have found out. Instead we walked through brush and loose rocks in incredible heat to walk up to each and every cave and say "isn't this beautiful!" as he pats me on the back and calls me "son."
I never quite understood what the hell that was when I was a kid but now I realize he was making such a sophisticated joke that it took 15 years of reflection for me to finally get it.
I know this is going to sound even crazier but I think I want to be exactly like him when I grow up. I have never met a man with more conviction and comedy than my dad. He acts with confidence and puts the family in horrible hilarious situations that have made me who I am today. Who else had a father who thought it would be a good idea to get 4 llamas in order to start a backpacking business in PRESCOTT, AZ. This impulsiveness and creativity has drastically shaped the world that I lived in and currently live in. He is the King, He is God, He is Mike Kelly.
I have no idea if he is the smartest man I have ever met, or just the luckiest hobo. I have been asking myself that question for 20 years of my life and I finally realized at the "funeral" that it doesn't matter in the slightest. He is happy in a world he was not destined to be in and that fact alone makes me want to be like him. He is a bastard and hates the world, so he makes jokes an does crazy things to keep himself happy. If that's not what you think of when you think of me, than you really haven't gotten to know me.
I want to be a bastard who displays extreme levels of honesty. I want to do exactly what I want to do without rhyme or reason or having to explain myself to anyone. I don't want to have to depend on others to be happy. I want to be in a relationship where I can remain independent and come back for jokes and good company. I want to live deliberately. I want to be my King. I want to be my God. I want to be Mike Kelly.
Live Deliberately
John Kelly
