The Unfortunate Necessity of Lying
Boob Maggots. That’s right boob maggots. You are about to learn about the horrifying reality that is boob maggots.
Boob maggots have been apparently spreading like wildfire in a few developing countries in South America and West Africa because of three reasons - a healthy pre-existing boob maggot population, lack of proper boob hygiene, and lying.
The maggots are able to breakthrough decaying and dying skin by burrowing into the underboob (located on the underside of the boob). They scratch at and puke acid on the surface of the boob until a small but navigable hole emerges, and just like in James and the Giant Peach, the maggots take advantage of their new squishy layer.
Once inside of the the boob, they will crawl underneath the skin and burrow even deeper towards the mammary glands where they will reproduce creating sometimes hundred of Boob maggots. The boob maggots are blind, deaf, and have no sense of smell, so they prefer dark, warm, and damp places where they can hide and live out their days in a Double D rack. They never actually see the boobs due to their plight but due to their nutritious and warm nature they are able to thrive in its environment. They don’t need to see them, they just need to make babies with them!**
**Use that line only in Sperm Banks and creepy illuminaughty parties**
"I would like to make a donation please"
Boob Maggots survive solely off of the decaying flesh, muscle tissue, and boob goo that surrounds their world. They are very tiny, but there have been reports of finger sized maggots removed in severe cases. The maggots can cause irreparable damage to the breast and even cause PTSD symptoms in many of the victims because of the fucking terrifying feeling of your boob being eaten from the inside out. **
**If you want to help out with this epidemic, please keep reading and at the end of the post there will be a link where you can donate to help this cause and learn more information**
The medical risks are severe but the real reason why the maggots have become so rampant is that women who become infected will not tell anyone. They are afraid of what people will think of them when they find out they have maggots in their gazongas.
I don’t fucking blame them.
Now I am not advocating for these women to hide their boob maggots, I think that it is petrifying event that should be treated by a doctor immediately, but I am just pointing out an obvious truth. Not one wants to motorboat a lady with boob maggots.
Boob maggots are somewhat intangible for people in the developed world but maybe its easier to think back to the lice epidemics of fourth grade where they made the kids line up like they were headed to an internment camp. Kids would joke about who had the lice, or remark about how stupid this entire procedure was, but everyone was fearful when that overweight nurse from Poland stuck her sausage fingers between your hair and looked for those white devils.
I am good with children and abandoned dogs!
What I still don't understand about the lice epidemics is the fact that the nurses were always terrible at hiding which child had it as though they were oblivious to the playground heckles. Every other kid took 20 seconds behind the blue curtain and then FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON as soon as the kid who eats bugs and doesn’t know his peasant haircut looks good only on Zoeey Deschanel and Monty Python actors went behind the curtain, his hair check took 30 minutes and his Mom as well as the entire staff of Child Protective Services rushed into the gymnasium like their lives depended on it.
You mean there are hair cuts that don't involve a bowl?
I still remember the kid who got lice and I am sure everyone does. No one forgets the kid who poops his pants or gets lice in 4th grade. He could go on to be the President and the first thought that comes into your mind when he takes the podium is "Stinky Butt!"
The lice infected kid had a legitimate fear of being ostracized and in order to protect himself he lied about the lice liked a hound. He said that he felt as though he looked better with a buzz cut and that it had nothing to do with the CDC scrubbing him down with biohazard suits on yesterday.
Fucking no one looks good with a buzz cut at the age of 8. Everyone either looks like the bully from Toy Story or an emaciated holocaust victim.
But who knows, maybe I am just projecting my self-image. #FreudStuff
This is the part that puzzles me though. Everyone has lied about their current situation before. Maybe you haven't had lice, but you have had something happen to you where it is uncomfortable to talk about. And everyone is more than okay with lying about these things without hesitation, even if it threatens their well-being.
You pooped your pants? Then maybe you tell your boss you sat on a brownie and farted out of surprise.
Stole a graham cracker and some old lady is super pissed? Tell her that it is the aliens messing with her brain again.
Super Herpes? Go to ASU #LUMBERJACKSRULE
Lying is one of those universal things that seems as though every parent in America drills this unbreakable notion into our brains that lying is wrong in every circumstance unless of course it is a white lie to avoid something uncomfortable like talking about the poop in the back of your pants or the maggots in your boob. Then its okay to lie. As long as the only person it hurts is you.
But I would like to propose something that is against the grain.
White lies help perpetuate these unrealistic standards and make people lie about the current situation they are in. But I am not saying it is their fault. I totally get it. Even I will continue to lie about my situation because I don’t want to be the kid with lice, or the poor kid who can’t afford new clothes, or the kid who got such a raging boner during the first 5 minutes of Tomb Raider that he got a restraining order from not only getting near Angelina Jolie but even thinking about her.
The solution to this problem is not to start telling the truth. The truth will not set you free. The truth will only backfire in your face and cost you friends. But doubling down on your bets and lying your ass off gives you a much better chance of riding that Jet Ski next to Laura Croft. #ViagraNotNeeded #OrRecommended
Try and ban this North Korea!
Everyone has this unreasonable and hesitation about lying. Not white lies, but the lies that will actually do something for you besides avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. Lying to the police, lying on tinder, and the most fucking puzzling of all the cases, lying on job applications.
I would say around 90% of my friends are currently struggling to get by economically and yet they hold onto this pride, this hope, this fear, that prevents them from saying that they do have 3 to 5 years of experience and time management skills. It is such an easy lie and yet many of the people I know barely do it or refrain from it all together. Their choice is wrong and not thought out.
One of the biggest things keeping the truth alive is the feeling that the economy is getting better. Obama released some economic numbers this month that look phenomenal. The US economy added 321,000 jobs in November, continuing on the path of 5 consecutive years of job growth. The Dow is consistently closing at record highs just 6 years after being cut into a ⅓ of its value. GDP growth continues to soar past Europe whose economy is still stuck in the mud and America continues to grow at rate which economists consider “robust.” Virtually every sector of the American economy is growing, except for one.
You.
The unemployment/underemployment rate for recent graduates is 50%. That number starts to look a lot higher if you look at people who not in the already weathlystraight white male category.
Wages for people under 25 have been growing at an 80% slower rate than the rest of America. 80%! The divide between rich and poor as reached the largest divide since England could call this country a colony.
This graph compares the average income of the 1% to the 99% between 1917- 2007
The economic reports the government continues to release are white lies. They are all accurate, but they are focusing on the wrong issues. All that they are doing is complementing the fat lady on her dress rather than addressing the weight issue that will bring her down to her massive knees.
Now I like fat lady economic analogies as much as the next guy, but they aren’t going to help you. What is going to help you is telling you the reality of the situation.
The job market is so bad for our generation that you are truly a statistical anomaly if you end up doing anything other than pouring coffee, making copies, waiting tables, or answering phones.
My friends and the people I care about are giants compared to the dimwitted dipshits that hold the job positions that they dream of. Individuals that I know who could make a serious difference in this world are sidelined as though they were destined for mediocrity and can’t handle anything more than a request for a refill.
Learn how you can use your PhD in Philosophy at the Cash Register!
I don’t know about you guys, but I think that’s fucking bullshit and I am ready to try anything to make sure that the 1% line doesn’t keep comically raising up while the rest of America doesn’t even get a blip.
Poverty isn't a joke. It threatens relationships, dreams, and even a few years in poverty can cripple a person for life and force them to be stuck in the poverty cycle until they die. It's a slow death, sometimes you don't even realize you are dying, but holy shit does it hold onto you tight.
Take Nicholas Bose for example (pictured right above these words). He has a PhD in immunology and microbiology but has been underemployed since 2008 where he lost his research position. When the economy crashed he couldn't find a job so he took a job bagging groceries. He can't get another research job because no one trusts a man who hasn't had a research job since 2008. He was one of those "jobs" that is helping America bounce back.l
Fuck any system that doesn't recognize that as an impossible loop to get out of.
If you are comfortable with lying about your boob maggots in order to make others feel more comfortable and for them to not know the pain that you are living with, then you should have no hesitation making up an entire job on your resume, saying your boss was John Kelly, and making up what ever job duties you need to lie about to get that fucking job.
I am not kidding. The amount of background checks, reference checks, and actual work that is spent to ensure that you have done what you have said you have done is laughable. I have conducted many of these interviews and I have yet to see any sort of check on any position. The people in power have been consistently looking for loopholes to gain further power, get more money, and push you down further. Then they were stupid enough to leave this huge loophole open?
I say we drive through with a fucking tank through that loophole.
Lie, lie, and lie again on your resume. BUT, make sure you do your work to ensure that the lie is full proof. Take some time on your lie, make it clever, elegant, and believable. Find a friend who can lie without hesitation and make him your reference. Become the lie because that is the only way some of us will ever break out of this cycle.
I guarantee you if there were more people in power like the friends that I have made, the individuals that have inspired me, and the ones who went out of their way to help me out in my time of need, then we would have a much different graph then the one above. So, next time you see your dream job or a job that you would be perfect for, lie until you are the perfect candidate for that job because trust me the person before you wasn’t perfect either.
Live Deliberately
John Kelly
****The Cure for Boob Maggots - DONATE HERE
We are constantly troubled by uncountable accounts of boob maggots in the 3rd world. But it is true these maggots could cripple any one of our beloved female friends, families, and partners.
That is why I am starting a kickstarter to end Boob Maggots. For the next 60 days, I will attempt to raise $2,000 to travel to Ghana where boob maggots have been particularly aggressive and help women clean and soap up their boobs.
It is a hard task but I am up to the challenge. Some of have labeled me as the modern day Jesus Christ, and although I will not disagree with them, I prefer to think of myself more as a Gandhi like figure.
Even a $10 dollar donation will help me reach these women who need their boobs cleaned the most. Dirty boobs, small boobs, big boobs with hard to reach areas, nothing will is too big or too small of a task for me.
If I do not reach the $2,000 mark within 60 days then all of your money will be returned to you. In the case that I fail, which I really, really hope that I don’t, I ask one thing of you of dear readers: scrub some boobs for charity.
