After doing this 3 or 4 times it seems as though every day dream I have ever had would fall into the category I can't describe any better than, "Horror Porn". No matter how it starts it always ends in a post apocalyptic world where I have sex with many hot women while tromping over evil.
The question is who the hell would play me in this day dream horror porn. I began to think Justin Bieber but he is just way to expensive and I am sure his penis is fucked up. I am thinking Edward Norton and then just try to tell him that it is artsy when really it is just an excuse to show full penetration. Full Penetration and some sick fighting moves!!!
AM I RIGHT FELLAS!!! WOOO WOOO WOO WOOO WOOOO
I think Sid from Ice Age would play the cartoon version of me but his voice would be replaced by Eddie Murphey's. Or mine.
The Otherside of The Road
As many of you know I recently decided to say fuck it to my safety and good logic, and hitch hike down to Tempe. Literally everyone I told of this plan, tried to add their two cents about hitch hiking and about what exactly I needed to do to stay safe and get picked up. I am beginning to think I am surrounded by idiots because no one's advice helped and my regular instincts brought me to victory.
Here is The John Kelly Approach and therefore the best approach to hitch hiking
You need 3 things when you are hitch hiking. A funny sign, a good place to stand, and an outfit that says "I might be down to fuck." These things will get you picked up and you can worry about your safety later when you are on the road to your destination.
So I go out to the ramp in Flagstaff that leads you to the I-17 and once I get there, there are two dirty Mexicans standing on the other side of the ramp with a sign that also says Tempe. I immediately cursed them and casted them into my horror porn movie in my mind.
Who the fuck were they and why were they standing in a worse spot when they got their first? I just figured it was because I took a shower that day and therefore are more prepared for life.
So I put out my sign that says TEMPE OR CLOSER TO TEMPE THAN I AM RIGHT NOW! and I am shaking it, wiggling my butt and putting out the biggest fucking smile in the world on. No one is slowing down or even making eye contact with me. I am beginning to think that being white isn't all that great.
I even wrote a new sign funnier sign that said "Don't Tempt Me! Take me to Tempe!" and still no one stopped.
That's when a police officer stopped and drove over to park his highway patrol car right next me.
Since he was a highway patrol man and I was white I decided that he might be going to Tempe on a visit and wanted to pick me up ( This actually wasn't the case I was just nervous and I make bad jokes when I am nervous). As soon as he got out of the car I said
" Are you going to Tempe?"
Then without hesitation or trepidation he gave me the stereotypical dick cop response of " I can give you a one way ticket to JAIL!!!!"
Are you fucking kidding me? At least have a little bit more cleverness in your response to me who is obviously joking with you. Think about your response for a fraction of a second before you just fulfill your dick cop label.
Alternate Response that the Cop should have said
Cop: "Yeah! But I have to stop by a sorority house real quick to bust up a party in hopes that one of the college girls will blow me to get out of Jail. Want to join me?"
Me: "Really?"
Cop: "No You fucking idiot, I am about to yell at you. Those dirty Mexican guys over there are kicking your ass today on the smart scale and you even showered and everything" says the omnipotent cop
He then proceeded to yell at me and tell me that it was against the law to stand where I was standing and then praised the Mexican men on the otherside of the road for their knowledge of Flagstaff hitch hiking law.
This led to a string of arguments with the police officer which led to him patting me down to make sure that I didn't have any weapons on me. At this point my friend Annalise driving to fucking Las Vegas drives by and sees that I have made it absolutely no where on my hitchhiking journey and begins to text all of my friends that I am getting fucked by the long dick of the law. My life is a comedy.
If she stayed she would have seen my silver tongue talk my way out of getting brought into the police station for standing on the wrong side of the road. I can get out of anything, even things that aren't crimes.
The cop then was about to let me go but he wanted to use one more scare tactic to make me never hitch hike again. He asks for my name and emergency contact in case they find my raped dead body by the side of the road.
I looked at this bastard and gave him the stop fucking with me look. Not the "please stop raping me look" but "stop fucking your stupid police power to scare me" look. I looked him in the eye and told him my name was Rupert Murdoch. I said so with conviction and with strength.
He asked for my id and I said I lost my wallet
That's when the cop decided to fuck it and leave my dead body on the future side of the road (other blog name?)
I then proceeded to climb up the bridge once the cop left and started hitch hiking on Milton, the main road in Flagstaff. Within about 5 minutes I was picked up by a Cadillac Coupe De Ville with an 80 year old lady in it with fake teeth and eyes that looked like they rotted away years ago.
I am not a big proponent of God and divine intervention but I think I need to say this. Thank you God, you are the funniest comedian I know and I feel like am the only one laughing.
I get into the car giddy as a steamboat to finally be back in a Cadillac and I say "Hi!!! I am John Kelly!"
She then smiles bigger than me and says my name is Miranda Miranda!
My giddiness died away, realizing that this one of those crazy people 60 minutes told me about.
"What!" I yelled at her
"Miranda Miranda!"
" You have the same first and last name?"
" Yep!"
I am so glad I hitched hiked.
We then proceeded to drive down to Tempe and she told me her life story about how she saw FDR speak at a Union Rally when she was a little girl and that she recently bought a medical marijuana card in California and that she couldn't be happier with her life.
I told her my shoe size (she claimed that I was the living embodiment of big foot) and about the League of Ordinary men and about sneaking into the Pre-Law College at NAU and she just flipped a bitch. She loved every part of me and just kept asking me such detailed questions like " what color was my sister's hair" and " who was my least favorite girlfriend"
I HAVE A FUCKING ANSWER TO THAT!
You better send me an apology letter Ms Beecham. My heart is still broken.
But I was so excited to be with her company that I didn't even care she was going 40 when the speed limit was 75. She then told me about this awesome sandwich spot in Phoenix that she always go to before she flys to Pennsylvania (She was flying to Pennsylvania because life is too short! [her words not mine, I would have suggested Maui or Jamaica or Amsterdam for excitement but she was the coolest person ever so I won't doubt her])
So we stop at this restaurant and I say I am not hungry and by this I meant I am poor. She then yelled at me to order something saying that she would pay for it and she wouldn't let another starving African die on her watch. I was confused but I excited that someone thought I was black.
She ordered a Sam Adams and she literally took one sip of it and went "OHH MY! I won't be able to finish this! Do you want it? HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! You are a college student you are basically an alcoholic!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
I will say it again
I fucking love hitch hiking
We finished eating and by finished eating I mean she took one bite of her sandwich and wrapped it up for later. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she will not get that past TSA. We were arriving to the airport and she turns to me and says like she just discovered that I was thereand says "Do you want to go to Pennsylvania with me?"
ABSOLUTELY! But I hesitated and I don't know why
"What?" I said with excitement and fright
" I have extra money and you seem like good company and I am just going to be spending time with my friend Ruth. Would you like to come to Pennsylvania with me?"
You have to be kidding me. Did I just get a sugar mama? I think I just got a fucking sugar mama. This would make such a better story and such a better blog if I made it Pennsylvania and not just Tempe. Everyone thought I wouldn't get picked up or would die on the way to Tempe but I almost made it to Pennsylvania with a sugar mama on my arm.
Who is my favorite girlfriend ever? That answer would be Miranda Miranda
I trusted the woman the only thing was I would have to skip my mid-terms and I didn't know if I could do that. I feel like a bitch for not taking this option but it was a hard pill to swallow.
I didn't live as deliberately as I could have but I needed to see Ryan Lane and hold him again.
She dropped me off at the airport and gave me her phone number and address in Kingman so I can go visit her. She told me that she would donate to the League of Ordinary Men and help me out with school whenever I needed it. I hugged her goodbye ( I don't put out on the first date ladies) and sent her off on her way.
I will miss Miranda Miranda
Many people thought this way too dangerous, that I shouldn't be attempting this and that I have the perfect body to become the rape boy from Mad Max: Road Warrior but I am so glad that I once again proved that Danger is my middle name.
Live Deliberately
John Danger Kelly
*****Day Dream Handbook * NO GIRLS ALLOWED* (Not a Diary)
When this Dream Occurred: On the Bus to my Criminal Justice Class
Possible Titles: " Calico" "I'm Hot for Deadly Teacher" "A Foreign Affair"
Synopsis:
At some point I go to graduate school and return to my old high school to teach history. In the classroom I deliver enchanting lectures, each predicated on the importance of memorizing names and dates. They eat it up.
Later, being the most popular teacher ever, I lounge around turning the kids on to "free thinking." The boys are enchanted by my rugged intellectual appearance and the girls more than mildly turned on my suave demeanor and effortless self-confidence.
There is another, lesser teacher (played by the girl who is showing WAY too much cleavage across from me), who disapproves of my intellectual charismatic sexy teaching methods. She remains strict and hard while keeping to her self most days as the other teachers mock her from a far.
I approach her and she pulls a way. I say no no and pull her back. We kiss. I reveal her gorgeous breasts.
Suddenly, there are gun shots from the other room. The minority child who overcame impossible odds to get where he is today has been shot in the heart. I furiously step over Lucas Chien's dead body and make my way to the gunman.
Tits tries to restrain me by rushing in front of me, still bare breasted. The gunman raises his cannon and I jump in front of the bullet. It pierces my chest but luckily, I kept my pocket sized version of the US Constitution in my pocket so I have a fighting chance. With my last ounce of strength before I fall, I uppercut the gunman causing him to fly out of the window and get impaled on the Flag Pole. Guts go everywhere.
The children cheer but I am quickly loosing heart function. I tell Tits the only way to save me is if we make love. Reverse cowgirl position.
She begins to ride me as though the fate of the world depends on it. She needs to keep my heart pumping 200 beats faster than regular in order for me to pump enough blood to my body/penis. She can obviously handle it. My heart, my penis, and the school is saved.
RIP Lucas Chien- The Token Minority
