Sexy Time?

Have you guys had sex yet? I am only asking because I feel like that last time I have seen some of you guys, the only sexual act you ever did with a girl was watch her pick out a bra in the  Wal-Mart Ladies Section.  I liked the potato chip display, a perfect mix of cover and snacks. The only problem was you had to show up at like 6:00am to get there before Carson Clucas did and normally the only “girl” you saw was Mrs. Baca picking out an extra support brazier that look like it came from failed torture traps created for the movie Saw.  Boys will be Boys I guess.

But sex is pretty cool. You get to see someone naked which is always at the very, damn least memorable. And not even the type of naked you see at the YMCA with the old shrivel penises that seem to metaphorically slap you in the face. Which by the way, how the fuck do those men have all of that confidence? I've seen naked men atthe YMCA in their 80’s, walking around the locker room like they are fucking Ryan Gosling. (I, of course mean that they are having intercourse with Ryan Gosling, not that they are Ryan Gosling. I am sure fucking Ryan Gosling would give you a lot of confidence about your penis. He just seems so nice and self-eestem boosting!) Shutting lockers with their penises, trying to talk the News with me, showering just perpetually!  They have more confidence than a midget during a limbo tournament (15 seconds to think up that joke- A NEW PERSONAL BEST!) I don’t get why they are doing it. I don’t even think they leave the locker room but instead just treat it as a pseudo nudist colony. But even that doesn’t make sense because instead of experiancing a relaxing nude environment it comes with shared soap and a year-long case of athlete’s foot. Tough Actin Tinactin can’t touch that shit.

Fuck the YMCA. I hate young men Christian clubs. Too many Penises

 But sex has nakedness in the cool way with different body parts and cooler looking butt. I think that overall I thoroughly enjoy naked women as well as sex and I won’t pass up many opportunities where I could participate in either. In fact, I would go as far to say that in most situations whereI feel as though I have an opportunity to see a cooler butt and naked woman, I am going to actively pursue it. Hard. But what I don’t get is when people dedicate their lives to sex. Like what? Are you kidding me? I can only think of a very few things that I'd ever dedicate my life too, and one of them is Batman. And a real life Batman is way cooler than any sex I could imagine. Like your penis sneezes in a woman and you are done.  It feels nice but it isn’t euphoric. But despite my weird anger, men are constantly going after the hottest woman possible, trying to dick sneeze in cooler and cooler looking body parts.

( I didn't want to make to make a picture for that)

I see men constantly working out every day for hours upon hours a day. Not because it is a healthier life style but because they think it will get them hotter chicks. Don’t get me wrong, having enormous muscles and greasier hair than Jon Travolta's seems to get you some pretty fucking hot women (as I have observed from numerous musicals). But why are you spending your time doing that! There are so many cooler things to learn! Spend your time mastering something other than pushing a heavy bar above your head with some other guys sweaty balls drooling over your mouth. And you expected us to believe that is your "bench parter."

This isn’t even the worst part! Have you ever talked to a hot woman? They are horrible people without a personality. My hot girl co-worker the other day was in the middle of a conversation with another girl and I overheard

 “OMG I love the website Cats That Look Like Hitler! I spend seriously like a bagazillion hours a day on it! It’s seriously has become an addiction! NANAHHAHNAHANAHNAHAHHA”

Ewww.

Fucking Gross.

That bubbly bitch, thinks that statement was funny? Classic Hot Girl.

If you are so simple minded that you can spend that much time on Cats that Look Like Hitler, then it shows that you are a dimwit and a dumbass. The internet is amazing! ITS AMAZING! You can now have any answer to any problem you could ever think of. You can communicate with people around the world! You can look at porn from around the world! Like explore the internet, please! There are so many cooler sites

www.penisesthatlooklikebrucewillis.net

www.brucewillisesthatlooklikepensies.com                                          *See Below for Pictures*

www.disneychannel.com/funzone  It’s a fun zone!

I don’t know how these girls have somuch power. I know so many men, like good men too, that work so very hard to sleep with these women. That may be the worst part! You have to work to get these pieces of shit. Most men have to convince these women that they are worth 20 minutes of their nakedness. These people are worthless; everything that comes out of their mouth is somewhat superficial because it doesn’t need to be anything of value. If they say something retarded or untrue, everyone will agree because if you upset this floozy, there are a million other guys that want to sleep with her!

What’s even worse than their personality, is the type of people that she surrounds herself with. There is always that like semi-jewish, red hair, deep raspy voice, 6 foot behemoth that is a bigger cock block than Jesus. She is the one that when you approach immediately yells at you and says something faggy like :

 “HEY! WE CAME TOGETHER AND WE ARE LEAVING TOGETHER BUCKO!”

Or

“DRINKING BEFORE YOU GO OUT SAVES MONEY!”

Or

“I HAVE A LARGE BUILD OF CRUSTY POOP AROUND MY ANUS AND NOW I’M PISSED OFF AT YOU!”

So not only do you have to win over this annoying, superficial human being in order to have sex with a girl but you have to avoid a cock block from her friends who are determine to stop you from getting laid. They will start crying all the time because they aren’t as pretty as the hot girl or they have too much crusty poop around their anus, so the chances of getting laid go down even further.

I have no idea what these guys are expecting by having sex with these girls. A life altering pleasure? Enlightenment? A Spot on I Love New York? What they will get is a dick sneeze and get to look at a pretty cool butt. Followed of course by: horrible conversation, the realization you have wasted your time, and then the instant need to give this girl more attention because if you don't she will start scream and show her cool butt to someone else.

What makes even less sense are the women that talk to these hot girls. What do they get out of it? The run off of better men who gave up on these hollow bitches? To seem pretty because they are standing next to a hot girl?

They get even less satisfaction then a dick sneeze, and a lot of girls are guilty of it.  I know very few women who don't have at least one hot girl friend they hang out with. At the very least, if you are hanging out with a hot girl at least try to poke her butt! But these women won't even get a Captain Reinhart from the hot girl. I guess it makes them appear to be hotter or sexier because they get to stand next to them, and that probably works to allow them to have more sex. But I have a better idea than ruining your life and hanging out with morons so you can get laid.

Instead of granting these empty vessels attention, ignore these people and eliminate that unneeded parasite from your life. Spend time on valuable people who spend their time on worthwhile things. Look for women whose mind is like a diamond, yet thoughly enjoys poop and fart jokes. They are out there but most people are too blind to see them. Conversation is so much more important than a dick sneeze or Cats That Look like Hitler. Make sure you remember that next time you get a boner or need to feel pretty. Because these people don’t become President or Mozart or Einstein, you know who they become? Those fucking naked men in the YMCA locker room! They don’t know how to do anything else but strut their penis because that's what they have been doing for 30 years of their life. Teach them by ignoring them, and maybe after a while, you won't have a penis staring you in the face while you are trying to pull up your basket ball shorts.

Live Deliberately
John Kelly



 My favorite Bruce Willis photos!

That one doesn't even look like a penis. But I love me some Bruce Willis!

Pinwheels and Peni: A John Kelly Story

My childhood left me dramatically unprepared for the real world. I never quite learned how to handle awkward moments, or hold myself in serious situations, or shut up. I never really learned how to work hard, I did learn how to argue for you to give me your stuff. I am great at that. I can tell you why you have a car and I don’t, and that I want your car and you should give me your car.

But that doesn’t make a difference because it’s your shit. I don’t even have any shit. I don’t even own a bicycle, really. I am now that guy.

I am the immobile kid who needs rides everywhere and will argue for why you should come pick me up. Ohh do you have a car? Well I have jokes and no concern about exploiting our friendship if it means I don’t have to walk to McDonalds. I mean, to be fair, their parents probably bought them that car or bought them other things so they could save up for that car. What the fuck? I am talking to no one. No one reading this is going to come pick me up. Please someone come pick me up. If you don’t, I will yell at you on Facebook until you come pick me up. I am dangerous, I have nothing to do and I have what seems to be an unlimited supply of snarky comebacks. Come pick me up.

 I feel as though I don’t know where to place the blame for my condition but my immediate turning point is Ahh Real Monsters. I fucking hated that show. The art was creepy and there was that dickless midget who had to hold his eyes above his head so he didn’t have to stare at everyone’s crotch, which was really tragic because he had a disgusting amount of spaghetti-like armpit hair that was always revealed. I feel like that guy had to argue his way into a car. I have become that dickless midget from Ahh Real Monsters.

I am that guy.

It’s not even like I have adapted well to this plight. I still have an unusually hard time at pretty easy shit. Like walking. I am horrible at walking. I take a long time doing it and I complain the entire time. I just fell down today while walking. Have you ever just fallen down while walking? Without anyone tripping you or any outside force acting upon you? Well you shouldn’t. You know why? Because you can observe, react, and change your walking pattern to stop you from falling down. And now I am on the ground, without a bike, and without a car, and I can only argue that you should pick me up and give me nice things. I want nice things and I am not very handy. Please don’t blame me, I watched too much Ahh Real Monsters.

I have been trying to grow up. It’s sort of hard and stupid though. I have been trying to put myself in situations where I have to work and succeed to survive, rather than just argue but still retain my level of boyish charm that everyone has grown to expect.  So I did what everyone does to grow up. Go on Groupon.

Groupon forces you to like weird shit. Of course, you would never want to go to a Korea Bathhouse, one because they have small hands and two, they have little souls but if it is 75% off, in this economy, YOU HAVE TO GO. Excess use of Commas detracts from overall points.

Every time I go on Groupon, I feel a little bit like a sex-deprived mother who has finally figured out how to use her son’s laptop. Please don’t check my top sites, it will only make you and Jesus cry. I am still not even sure what Groupon is. At least I figured out porn, because otherwise I would be really screwed.

So Erin and I were going to Washington D.C. for Spring Break because are just as adventurous as we are spunky. I hate the word spunky. Ellen Degenerate is spunky. I am not spunky. She is spunky.

Also, I have a girlfriend named Erin Miller. She is lovely and laughs at my jokes.

Look at how lovely she is. She doesn’t have a car. It’s a contention point in our relationship. She does own a bike, but we get heckled every time I try to sit on the handle bars. I would put her on the handle bars, but let’s try to get walking down first.

She doesn’t understand what Groupon is and I think that’s what is holding our relationship together because if a couple Groupons (It’s a verb, noun and adjective *Please see Below for more details*) together they might as well own 7 cats and work at the Postal Office because they now a sack of shit. I shouldn’t attack the Post Office. They are doing a great job.

 So on Groupon, I saw an ad for Spa World in Washington D.C. I thought ooot! Here is something that I could pretend to like and tell my elderly co-workers about! So I buy 2 tickets for Spa World and hopped on the plane to D.C.

Let’s get a few things straight. Most people would investigate where the location of the Spa World was, what it was like, what you have to bring, etc. I just bought the tickets because they had a nice picture. You know those stupid advertisements with a pig hanging out the window screaming weeeeee? Well, as soon as I saw that immediately went a bought a pinwheel afterwards. I didn’t even wait to see what the hell the ad was for. I still can’t tell you what the ad is for. All I can tell you is I saw that advertisement and thought I don’t have enough rotating things in my life. Rotating? That joke went in a weird direction. Too late to delete it, everyone knows I don’t proof read these things.

Here is the picture that made me buy the tickets to SPA WORLD. Look at how nice this thing is! There is a mushroom thing! And doors! Do you see those metal chairs! Those look like something!

Well, the very first problem I encountered was that Spa World was not in Washington D.C. but rather about 30 to 40 miles outside of the city. I don’t know if you just skipped my rant about the car, but I don’t have a car and I am pissed about it.  Erin and I then proceeded to find different bus systems to take us the 40 miles, but what I would like to reiterate is that I am not very good at simple tasks and mastering a foreign bus system was the equivalent of a normal person trying their luck at assembling an IKEA desk with no screws and only a hammer to pound the wood into a desk-like shape.

I don’t want to talk about the bus though and you don’t want to hear about it.

What you want to hear about is the absolute shock that Erin and I had the second we pulled up to Spa World. Every sign in this neighborhood was in Korean, even some of the stop signs. And Spa World wasn’t this luxurious place, but rather stuck between an All-You-Can-Eat Duck and Mallard Buffet and a rundown Papa John’s Pizza located in what the Koreans think a mini-mall looks like. So with so much hesitation, we slowly and cautiously entered the doors

I went up to the Cashier and handed her my Groupons and she gave me two little faggy (I mean faggy in the lame sense of the word. Gay people have way too much good fashion sense to put on a potato sack) potato sacks for Erin and I to wear. Yes potato sacks. Well no not potato sacks. But they reminded me of potato sacks and it’s more about the memory than the event. The cashier showed us to the changing rooms and told us to enjoy the spa.

Within seconds of opening the door to the male section, all I saw was penis. Penis here, penis there, and penis everywhere. I was engulfed in peni (Plural of penis). Apparently Spa World is a nudist spa and those potato sacks would not be worn unless you went to go talk to the all-knowing cashier. He didn’t want to see your penis.

The spa above was filled with naked men who sat in silence and avoided eye contact at all cost. For my homosexual readers please don’t be deceived by this description. The peni that I saw there was mutated and looked more like a deflated gray balloon left over from the fat kid’s birthday party that no one attended. Nobody wants your penis and your party sucks you Fat Kid With Acne (FKWA).

In fact, only go to Spa World if you are feeling down because I felt as though I had a beautiful, soft, majestic red wood opposed to their shriveled up purple-purple headed womb ferret.

The very worst/best part of the all the peni was the sign that you had to read before you entered the spa, which put every individual who read it in the worst mental space you could imagine.

WELCOME TO SPA WORLD!

Rules of the Spa

1.      Do not take pictures of any individual in the spa

2.      Do not point at any individual’s member

3.      Do not stare at an individual’s member

4.      At no point should you laugh at our guests

5.      Please do not touch another guest without permission

6.      No sexual misconduct in the pool

Welcome to the gulags for penises. And I thought Hilary Clinton was the place where boners go to die but apparently she has handed over the reins.

Also can we talk about the 6^th point? Who would want to have sexual misconduct after reading that statement? I thought the second I was going to enter the door I was going be screamed at with NEEDLE DICK and COCK MUNCHER and DROOPAP!

They are Korean; they are going to have different sayings then us. Get fucking cultured will you?

No one has entered that door with a boner, and no one ever will.

I entered the door, as flaccid as ever, and proceeded to move to the very first Jacuzzi to stake my claim and get as far away from the other men as possible. Apparently, every single man has thought of this strategy because every man occupied their own section and you would not and could not go into another man’s territory until they move into another one.

So it became a game of waiting and quickly moving with as much confidence as you can transfer to a scared weak penis. I can’t believe how many jokes were going through my mind but I wasn’t about to get out of line, and that’s when I saw it. The moment where I failed so badly to hold in my laughter than it seemed like I didn’t even fucking try.

I looked over and on a concrete platform lay a very black, very fat, very naked man. Above him was a very Korean, very tiny, also very naked man scrubbing the living shit out of him. Next to this whole ordeal was a sign that said “Full Body Scrub -$50- You’ll leave saying WOAZA!”

I cried, I laughed so hard. I sprinted out of my Jacuzzi and into the nearest sauna, shut the door, and just howled with laughter. Let me tell you, I didn’t have to spend $50 dollars to say Woaza!

I got dressed and saw Erin who had stayed in her spa for a total of 5 minutes before realizing that Spa World was absolutely horrible. It took a black man getting hosed down by a Korean man for me to figure out that maybe it was time to go.

I couldn’t help but think that if I was a smarter person that maybe I would have a car. Or that I wouldn’t buy Groupons. Or that I would do a little bit of research. Or when I, John Kelly, am instructed to not laugh at a naked penis, maybe realize that that particular ability is beyond my grasp.

Live Deliberately
John Danger Kelly

How to Correctly use the word Groupon

“Dude, I know I shouldn’t have had 12 beers last night but her tits were huge and I had to Groupon on it.” -David

Here we see David using Groupon to describe a positive opportunity without the use of the actual site.

“I am going to kill you goddamn Jew and your entire family too. You are going to get a bullet straight into your Groupon”-Bill O’Reilly

Bill O’ Reilly while threatening this Jew, used Groupon to describe the most advantageous place to shoot the Jew.

“OHH YEAH! FUCK YEAH! HARDER HARDER HARDER! ALMOST THERE! UHH YEAH! GROUPON!!!!!!” –Erin Miller

As Erin is climaxing she uses Groupon to describe the level of orgasm that she receive. Many women will use this word while they are on bottom contributing much less to the actual orgasm drawing an interesting parallel to the savings of the website.