I have not written my blog in a really long time so this blog entry will be the most sporadic thing with me trying to piece together my last month and a half of what happened and what jokes I thought of. I apologize for the jumpiness but fuck you, life is hard sometimes.
All right then, I'll go to hell
Nicole Garrett asked me the other day who was my favorite person ever. She left it pretty fucking open ended and it seemed like one of those questions you ask when you only want people to think that you are deep and have an intense perception of reality that no one has but you. Like what is blue! Have you really thought about blue?
Fuck you! I don't care about the concept or the reality of blue, move on to better things that you can actually change, you piece of shit. But for some reason I entertained the question and I realized that my favorite person without hesitation, is Me. I love me. And I know that that is literally the definition of egotistical but I feel as though that this a common occurrence. I mean who doesn't love themselves as a person more than anyone else. I mean if you don't, then change and become that person that you love more than anyone else. It is the one person in the world you have control over. If you are not your favorite person in the world, it is not because you are selfless or lack a sense of egotism, it just means that you are too lazy to change.
A lot has happened since I was in my blog (I am not literally in it, writers sometimes say things like this to better convey to the reader an image in their head). I had my wallet stolen by a homeless man carrying a trumpet. His name was Terrance and he was a fucking bastard.
Let me describe him to you.
He was about 6' 10", black, and weighed about the amount of a small pick up truck. He was wearing a large black jacket with a bagged tapped to his shoulder. I to this day don't know why he taped the bag to his shoulder and why he didn't just put the bag on his shoulder. He was also carrying a trumpet, out of its case, and without a mouthpiece. He also was carrying a large trash bag, I assumed trash for obvious reasons, but after the incident I became suspicious if it was really trash.
I was riding my bike down the street, as I often do, when a man yelled "SIR SIR SIR!!!" and I, being a strapping young man, turned around to see what was the matter with this man and see if I could help him in his plight.
I went over to him and he said " Hey I just got dropped off by this truck driver, do you know where the homeless shelter is?" I responded that I didn't but that I had seen a lot of homeless men by the train tracks and that he should go and ask them (in hindsight not a great response regarding the difference in size but I have to keep living up to my middle name) and he said "OHH! YOU SEE I JUST GOT DROPPED OFF ( he was talking louder now, and I signifying that with caps lock) BY THIS TRUCKER AND I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE HOMELESS SHELTER IS!"
At this moment I realized that this was a fun crazy homeless person who really can't understand reality. I said "I already told you I have absolutely no idea where the homeless shelter is."
Terrence then apperently not carrying about that said "OHH! Well do you have any Money!" I said that I was poor as shit and I didn't have any money and he went "NOT EVEN ANY CREDIT CARDS!"
I told them that I did have a credit card but he can't have it and you cant get straight money from a credit card.
This obviously confused Terrence and then he demanded "Well Go Buy me a $20.00 gift certificate to Burger King"
And I looked him obviously confused and said in a higher than usual voice "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" He then haggled with me
"10 Dollars!"
"NO!!!"
"5 DOLLARS!!!!"
"FUCKING NO!"
"NOT EVEN ONE DOLLAR!!!"
"HOLY SHIT!!!"
I then haggled with this guy for the longest time about how I will not be his finical support structure. I normally give money to homeless people but polite homeless people not hobos who demand things out of complete strangers. I finally took out my wallet and gave him 1 dollar and said go get something off the dollar menu. I then bid Terrence goodbye and road my bike to campus and when I got to campus I realized my wallet was missing and I just screamed "FUCKING BITCHES ASS BITCHES!!!" (The girl next to me thought I was talking about her and acted all snooty. Don't be arrogant girl, I was not talking about you). I then road my bike back to Terrence as fast as I could looking for my fallen wallet all the way there. I finally reached him and I said " hey man did you see my wallet fall out" and then without hesitation or any amount of grace, Terrance then yelled "WHAT WALLET I NEVER SEEN NO WALLET."
I looked at him and stared at him in the eyes (not the way I stare at Bryn but more like the way I stare at my dog when she just ate Cat Poop and trying to tell her through eye contact that she will be punished) I then got angry and said
" You took my fucking wallet didn't you Terrance"
'I DIDN'T SEE NO FUCKING WALLET"
"I GAVE you a dollar from that wallet! You must know it at least exists!'
Terrence then picked up his "trash" bag and then screamed "FUCKING NEVER SEEN A WALLET IN MY LIFE!!!!!"
I secretly hate the homeless and are envious of them at the same time.
I really missed writing in my blog and I feel bad for not doing it but I have been extremely busy with work and school. I have seven bosses! SEVEN! And they are all women! WOMEN! SEVEN OF THEM! And none of the them want to sleep with me! I am fucked! (actually the opposite of fucked, but I am using common slang lingo from our generation, ask a young person what it means)
I once gave a student incorrect information and within 5 minutes all of my bosses contacted me of this mistake. They watch over me like a hawk. I had to ask my boss behind me to hold on while I take this call from my boss in Tucson to tell me about my mistake that the boss behind me was telling me about. And its not like "Hey John you made a mistake, fuck you" it is always " Hey John, first off you are doing a GREAT job! One thing though you gave some incorrect information right here and we just can't have that now can we? Can we John? Do we like incorrect information?" And then I have to try and be polite back to them and say that I am sorry and they always tell me not to be sorry but they are obviously angry and I don't know how to calm angry women.
I would much rather prefer a fuck you and slap to the back of the head than being treated like a child who ate the playdough (Although to be fair that isn't a stretch for me). Then the next day they all came to tell me how great of a job I am doing how proud of me they were for correcting my information. All seven of them, in like 10 minutes! Its fucking ridiculous!
Although I still stand by decision that I think College is like Boobs or whatever it was that I said. I am still having a lot of fun here.
I am still doing crazy shit. One of my favorite nights was dancing in a Flagstaff Drum Circle then stealing my friends balloons and dancing with those balloons and then giving those balloons to a random girl and telling her now to dance and starting a bad ass sequence of dancing with balloons and trading it off to unsuspecting members of the crowd. A lot of people here think that I am a mental case.
I also went and played urban mini golf since the last time I wrote in my blog and if you want to tear your friends apart, just play urban mini golf with them. I have never been sadder to lose at a sport than that day. 5th place! Out of 5! I didn't even come close but it was like the poverty cycle all over again which I pointed out at every possible chance. The way we set it up was who ever did the best on the last hole got to set the next hole so Ian got to set it like 6 times and of course each time he did so, he played the hole to his strength and I being terrible at golf failed every hole. I never got to set the fucking cup, until they had pity on me on the last hole where I set it and then did fantastic! It was like with the blacks with the racism all over again!!! Yeah sure I can ride the bus now but none of my kids can read or in my case John still has a score 56 over Par but he got a good score on the last hole! Fucking Urban Put Put, Always Keep Us Physically Disadvantaged Youth Down.
You know what gets on my nerves, the lack of snuggling in my life. Why is snuggling only reserved for the romantically involved. I would love to snuggle with most people. I mean sure if you are stinky and you fart a lot I am going to cross you off my list for snuggle monster of the month award but look at me! I am fun! I have no body hair or odor! I fart only occasionally! I am a perfect snuggler! Some girls have even gone to say I am a class 3 snuggler which is the highest ranking given out to citizens in my economic class. I got a concussion a week ago and hit my head and no one snuggled with me! And it wasn't like I was looking haggard or unkempt. I was looking distinguished and dignified.
But the main reason I am writing my blog today of all days was that I was recently given the best advice I have ever been given by humor writing professor. We were sitting, as we so often do in his classroom, but we were just talking about my plans for life, just shooting the breeze, bring out the bullshit if you will. And he said "John I am going to be honest with you right now, you're not that smart. I feel as though whenever you put honest to God hard work into something, you either spend way to much time on it or fall short. But that is okay but you are the best liar I have ever seen in my life. I think you should really stop trying so hard and just start lying to achieve your goals, because you are sometimes nothing short of a genius when it comes to lying. I know you want to live deliberately but that doesn't necessarily mean you go at it from a conventional stand point, you know your strengths and you know your goals so screw everything else. Use everything at your disposal to do what you want to do and go to hell if necessary for those goals because John nothing else matters to you and I can see that."
I was absolutely floored when he told me this. I stopped talking and stared at him and realized exactly how important that moment in my life was. The only thing I could even think of to do was just stare and say "Thank You Tom" with as much emotion as I possibly could.
I've been having troubles maintaining being John Kelly these past few weeks. I was working my ass off and trying to still have fun in the process. I hadn't picked up my sax in weeks and I hadn't even listened to music in even longer. I was losing my charm and good looks. My hero and my favorite person was diminishing before my very eyes and this small statement, this small realization just opened up the ceiling for me. I can dance in the circle and save the world too. I just have to go to hell to do it and by dammit I am going to plummet down there.
This is my new plan for life, when something is too hard, when a problem looks too time consuming or looks like bullshit, I will lie to get out of it. I mean I have done it before in so many scenarios I have no idea why I haven't been applying it to my every day life. I stole my way into Pre-Law for godsakes, there are very few situations where I can't at least gain some ground instead of doing actual work. In any given situation there is some random assortment of words and the right pronunciation of those words that can get you whatever you want in that scenario. In any scenario you can get what ever you want if you know how to use the right words. Instead of talking to the homeless man about finical responsibility I will just tell him where the rich people live and point in the opposite direction of where I am heading. I really can't see a flaw in my logic on this one.
From this Day Forth I am turning over a new leaf. Working hard to achieve your goals is bullshit, most people will not even look at your hardwork, they only look for the confidence in saying that you had finished your work. I will carry around an air of confidence and convince myself that I have done this and I deserve the things I want, because if I believe hard enough and lie well enough, I will not be able to be stopped.
Live Deliberately
John Kelly
********A Snuggling Proposition
The last person I have snuggled with was Tinsel the cat, and don't get me wrong Tinsel is fucking adorable and a great sleeping partner its just that Tinsel sleeps with everyone. I feel like sometimes the only thing I am to that cat is a strong hand a body to sleep on. I just don't feel very special with the cat. It just uses me sometimes.
I want more snuggling in my life. For the people who read this blog if you are having trouble falling asleep one night or you are just getting lonely, just send me a text message and I will come over and snuggle if I have the chance. YOU MIGHT THINK I AM JOKING! I am not! I love snuggling! Even if Maddie Roy sent me a text one night to snuggle I would think about it for a second and then of course say no, but hell that's Maddie Roy and that was an entire second of consideration for that. Odds are if you aren't Maddie Roy, you are probably good enough to snuggle with me. Girl that was in my math class sophomore year whose name I never learned, yeah I snuggle with you. Michael Sterachi from Pre-AP English with the Jew Fro and horrible jokes, yeah I would snuggle with you. Fucking shit Beth Beecham, I snuggle the shit out of her. Give me a chance, send me a text and we will snuggle all night long.
