South Beaver Elementary and the School Yard Bitches

Did you know that statistically speaking 1 in 200 men develop deep psychological problems due to the fact they feel guilt or shame for being sexually attracted to their mother? Many of you have at least 200 male friends on Facebook so odds are you know someone that faces every coming day with daunting psychological challenges because they pitched a tent whenever they see their mother.

My guess... is Matt Bricker.

School started up again at NAU and I dont know if I could have chosen a weirder schedule. My first class wasn't even on the campus it was in an elementary school near campus that NAU rented out a couple times a week.  I felt almost cheated out of college and forced to go back like I had missed some fundamental principle in kindergarten that I had to re-learn by sitting on the stained carpet and pissing in urinals that I have to crouch down on the floor to use.

I wanted to see if I could take a yellow school bus, but they wouldn't let me.


I went South Beaver Elementary school and you have to pass by a playground to enter the building and holy mother of god does that playground tempt me. Did you know they know have spy glasses just mounted on the playground now at random spots? You can now spy on the other children instead of actually playing with them. Its preparing them for future facebook stalking. Watching them, seeing who their friends are, who they are talking too can now all be accomplished on the playground far away from the judgemental views of the other children. It is really bringing our kids into the digital stalking age, and I am glad for this new technological advancement.

 If I were a kid I would dress up as a pirate every day and pretend to spot the White Whale every time the overweight playground assistant would walk by. That joke would never get old and there would never be an inappropriate time for it.

I wish I was a kid again

The class I was going to was Modern Britain Political Thought, which I must say, is a fucking mouthful and doesn't deserve to be put into an elementary school. I was a little late because I got lost around the halls (I really felt like I was a lone kindergartner again, the symbolism was drooling from this scene). I get into my class and I find out instantly that my professor is Scottish and I think to myself "ohh this will be fun, I can just imitate him all semester" but holy shit was I was so wrong.

Apparently Modern Britain Political Thought is a class that all the foreign exchange students who need a political science requirement take because it is much easier than taking an American Government Political Class. Every kid in their was talking with an accent and making fun of stupid Americans and their stupid country.

Then the professor quites the class down and decides its a good time to ask jokingly if there are actually any Americans in the class. 3 of us raise our hands. 3!!!!!!! There are only 3 Americans in the entire class and the other 2 are seniors! The class takes place in America! Why are there only 3!!

I blame the communists.

Everyone in there has some sort of prejudice towards Americans and everyone being either from Britain or from a country that used to be ruled by Britain has a crazy good concept of British History, so that makes me now the stupid American that doesn't know shit. I am by far the dumbest kid in that entire class. I almost want to come to class and put a bunch of marbles in my mouth to try and give myself a ridiculous accent in hopes that I fit in better.

And its not like they are the kids from the brady bunch either, if you fuck up they will jump down your throat. For political debate, students just attack other people's nationalities with facts and prejudice. The British kid who I am sure is a Neo-Nazi just turned towards the Australian and said "Screw off Aussie, your island is filled with British Rejects. The more wankers we send there the better your country does, says a lot about your lot doesn't it" He was obviously referring to the fact that Britain used to use Australia as a Penal Colony back in the late 18th and early 19th centuries but I feel as though I have to have the narrator from the history channel in the desk next to me to catch any of these side comments.

Then the Neo-Nazi kid finished his thought and passed the floor over to the Irish kid who then berated the Indian kid for some fucking military move his country made back before electricity was invented, and while this verbal attack was going on the Neo Nazi Kid lit up his cigarette( a fag as he called it) and started smoking it right there in South Beaver Elementary Room 100.

Don't worry the professor didn't stop him for a while. He wanted to let the Irish kid make sure the Indian kid knows how stupid his nation was and is. After the Irish kid finished his rant the professor told the little Nazi fuck to put out his cigarette and the British kid then made some wise crack that in America we can burn the flag but if you lite one little fag and the government bends you over and fucks you in the arse.

Someone needs to teach that kid what fag actually means.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, every time I go to this class I am absolutely shocked. I sit in a desk thats way to small for me, look up at the blackboard with the alphabet written at the top (and some great tips on how I should share with the other students. I wanted to ask the British kid if I could partake in his fags), and in the middle of all this of innocence and memories are the most disobedient, god-awful, extremely intelligent college kids I have ever seen in my life.


Tomorrow, I am walking back to South Beaver Elementary again, and the reading assignment we had to do for tomorrow was to read and be ready to debate Chapter 3 "How America has become the new Britain."

I won't make it out alive.

Live Deliberately

John Danger Kelly