I Never Lost An Argument Until This Summer and It Nearly Killed Me

Queen LaQueef, the very same actress/producer/song writer from critically acclaimed movies such as Bring Down the House and the cult classic Taxi with Jiggleme Fallon, once claimed that:

“The Definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.”

The Queen has obviously never needed to win a political argument before and has certainly never done Model UN.

All of you know what I am talking about. This year’s election has been dominated by one issue campaigns where candidates will deliver the same stump speech everyday, over and over again. They begin to sound like well-dressed crazy people who can’t stop talking about Obamacare, abortion, or their folksy values. #MamaGrizzly #YesAllMamaGrizzlies

As sad as it is, their repetition actually begins to change things. Republicans took back the Senate not on a blanket of ideas but by screaming passionately a message of hell no. If they don’t give in and keep on yelling while continuing to deliver the same 10 word answer on Obamacare, Americans will join the madness and believe that there are death panels that are coming after your gramps because the old man voted for Romney. #LastThingHeWillEVERDo #BidenChainGang #KeepOntoYourGuns #PaulRyanCan’tProtectYou

But you want to know what is truly the worst part of it? That it works. It truly works. We react to it, we respond to it, and we vote because of it.  I know this to be true because of a little thing called Model UN.

Now some of my dear readers know how involved I was with Model UN. Some of those same people were way too polite and didn’t ask “What the hell is Model UN? “ or “That sounds pretty fucking faggy, you gay or something?”

No, you homophobic neanderthal . It was awesome program, but it did slowly turn me into one of those assholes who sounded like he came out of the womb concerned only about jobs, Bibles,and ISIS.

“Equal pay hurts my wittle privilege!”

Model UN is not far from the bullshit that goes on in Washington. In fact, normally it’s a perfect representation of DC. Right down to the douchebags, ill fitting suits, and scum staches. #LindseyGrahamStillWearsHisFather’sSuit #SoDidI #WeirdKids

In Model UN, you get a country and a committee assignment and it is your duty to represent your country to the best of your ability and pass a resolution that helps progress your country’s message. So you could be Israel trying to pass a resolution about how endangered your country is while declaring in the same breath how large your rocket’s shafts are. #PenetratesAnyBunker #NoConsentRequired

Or you could be Switzerland and hide in the corner while trying to flirt with the Sweden delegate by pretending that either of your countries are worth a damn. #ILeftMyHeartInStockholm

It is truly a competition built around my personality. There are so many wieners and awkward kids that if you had someone with some charm and personality who could speak intelligently about Russia for 30 seconds, you have a World champion. You do not need to have all the facts about the issue, or know anything about your country to be honest, if you can speak passionately and ignore what is happening to your left and right, you can win this thing.

Delegates who tried to come in with volumes of research always stepped on their dicks within seconds. It takes me all of 5 seconds for me to steal what they said and package it in a better voice followed by a wink and an easy joke. Politics isn’t about having the better idea, it is about having the sexier idea. Soon I became the artist of Model UN, someone who can command a room without any power. Speaking with passion and excitement in my voice allowed me to push aside who I needed to get to Israel’s long rocket and seduce the committee into ignoring the smart kid and fucking me instead. #NotGoingtoBeSlutShame #TalkingAboutThatButtStuff #GetDome

The problem is I kept heaping on this same bullshit until I got to the granddaddy of them all, World Model UN in Brussels, Belgium. I was standing next to some of the smartest students from Syria, Lebanon, France,Nigeria, Kenya, China, Japan, Venezuela, Argentina, Spain, and everywhere you could possibly think of.

Where was I in the mix you ask? Well I had enough research to write an angry comment on a Kony2012 video in between the times of taking a dump and moving onto surfing the NSFW section of reddit. #BubbleButts

The fuck up shit is that I won. I got the Diplomacy Award and my name came up on the screen at the awards ceremony. I got a piece of paper, a potted plant, an awkward handshake, and by dammit were my parents proud of all 3. Much like Mitch McConnell, I was validated for only being louder at the perfect time and knowing how to stay on message.

Winning because of that is like getting an Oscar by showing tits and butts the entire movie with a quick 30 second reflection at the end of it. #WolfofWallStreet

The problem with this is that bullshit helps no one. No one. Especially not yourself.

The Republicans have control and I have my award, but they haven’t talked about a plan. They are about reducing the deficit as long as it only comes from Democratic programs. They actually have no idea how to govern and I have no idea how to solve the refugee crisis in the Middle East. #None #PutThemIntoTheWorldCupStadium?  

I walked away with no supreme understanding of the refugee crisis, resolution writing abilities, or even the ability to talk to my common man. I learned how to give soundbites in a 1-minute speech, sit down, and raise my hand to give it again. I became a fucking politician.

Now some of my dumber readers might think that whatever you won the award. Well thank god you found my blog post because I am about to better your life.

Now when you learn to give political speeches, you can’t really stop. Soon Model UN began to permeate my life and I began talking like I was in a moderated caucus every moment of every day. I always had something better to say and I never lost an argument because I never gave them the chance to demonstrate their point. I look smarter and by dammit did I feel good about it. It was how I began conversations, try to get a free beer at the bar, and even in my often vain attempt to seduce ladies.

Flash forward to the actual point of this story

The Crush That I had this Summer.

Now I don’t know about you guys, but crushes put me into a mindset where I am verging on a mental illness. I will walk completely out of my way to maybe catch a glimpse of them in some pathetic way of setting up an organic encounter. I will calculate each text message as though it were trying to determine which wire to cut on a bomb strapped to my mother’s chest.

Now I am sure some of you have felt this weird obsession before because you're not banker, you are a human. If you didn't you would probably be a serial killer. Those assholes never get laid. 

Your passions don’t make you into a weaker person, they make you into an individual. The problem with these passions is that your desire for them can make you rush through the motions required to achieve them. I wanted to be a great debater, but I just chose volume rather than content.

If we all want to be as funny as Queen LaQueefa, we have to spend the hours that she obviously put into making The Cookout 2 into the classic that it became.

This lady of the summer was something else. We had a history before, but once I set my mind into winning her over, success was my only option. I didn’t care about where I would be the next month, much like I didn’t care what happened after I sat down for that 1 minute speech on refugees. Refugees wasn’t my motivation, that piece of paper was. I had my blinders on and I was going full speed towards a wall.

When I get passionate about something, I move like a locomotive, fast and stuck on one track. I came up with elaborate ideas for dates that I could push into a romantic realm. Seemingly innocuous hang outs that could potentially reignite the old flame. I was the 8th grade kid again passing notes to figure out if she liked me, because I couldn’t lose an argument. I need to push her much like I would to a committee full of delegates. You have to take small steps to win at Model UN. If you go in for the kiss too early you will never win.

Now I don’t know if you have ever seen a locomotive crash, but when you do it is worse than when Gwyneth Paltrow thought she understood the plight aids victims in Africa

It was one random drunken night of karaoke and cheap drinks (I say random night because I honestly have idea what night that could be because that all the Flagstaff nightlife is). #CarryOnMyWarWardSon #NotAllowedToSingThatAnyMore #FirstAmendmentBitch

I decided to make my move and go in for a kiss and she backed away. I am not sure if you have ever had someone back away from a kiss but it is not as graceful as the sentence leads you to believe. It is much more physically awkward sort of like someone trying to catch a frisbee but their hand keeps rejecting it. Sort of like in Flubber where Robin Williams is trying to catch his newly created green creation but it keeps slipping out of his finger tips. The Frisbee keeps bouncing it off your hands until it just sort of flops on the ground and everyone knows that you are an asshole and your father never liked you.

After I pulled back from the most awkward almost kiss of my life, I decided to ask like the asshole ultimate frisbee player that I am “Why did you back away?” As though it was unfathomable to understand why someone would not be attracted to an alien man child with a sailor’s mouth and an unhealthy attraction to  Lara Croft. #TombRaider #WombRaider #First8MinutesIsALLthatINEEDtoWatch

The silence before her answer is a moment that I will never forget. Silence is one of those things that if used correctly can be much louder than any sentence. Especially if the person who you are silent towards has been rambling for 23 years in his life in order to avoid that same silence.

“ You don’t listen” she said “ You can’t take your mind off yourself. You only wait for your chance to speak and your chance to impress me. John you are smart, you are funny, but I need something more than adjectives. I need something more than momentum, I need someone who can stop moving and start working on themselves.”

That cut.

It’s rare that you have such a solid truth from such a close person. Those types of truths are the reason you start drinking on a Tuesday morning.  Those are the type of truths you don’t forget.

I looked back into her eyes, I remained just as silent, and then I cried. I cried like a bitch. I cried like I had lost the Beauty Pageant. I cried like there was no one else in the room. I cried like I had just realized that I did not want to be the person that I was. And that was exactly what happened.

That silence, that direct language, that incredibly fresh observation made me realize that I had wasted my time. Not on her. But on myself.

Too many times in life we measure ourselves by the praise we have received, the job we have, the possessions around us. Too often we do not work on the the skills in our arsenal nor the accomplishments we want to achieve. I had not spent the time and hard work that is required to become a smarter person. I had been obsessed with moving onto the next challenge even if it did not mean completing my research. I could cover it up with jokes, charm, and lies. It helped me in the short run but as soon as I jumped into a bigger pond, I began to sink.

It can be depressing to come to the realization that you do not like things about yourself. It can be difficult to not know if any of the measurements you have met in your life actually matter in the long run. But it is important to come to this realization and actually do something about it.

I say this now because many friends of mine are going through this identity crisis. Graduating college means that you are no longer a student and you have to define yourself by other means. You will not receive an A, no one will tell you what to work on, you will succeed by your own merits, not by the praise of others.

Not only that but life becomes a lot harder. Employment is not guaranteed and many of the narratives that we have surrounded ourselves with is "that we can do it if we want it hard enough" or "follow your dreams". We are not told about the next step.

I wanted success but I didn’t translate that to taking a breath, and spending the time you can’t skip that is required in order to better yourself.

The success you achieve in your life will not happen because you want it, it will happen because you took time out of your day and worked on it.  Taking the time to realize that you suck at something, and then sweating through the hard work until it comes naturally to you is the only way to move forward as a person. It takes time. No one skips this process. Especially the kid who only wants momentum.

I am in Boulder now working at the University and talking to rich white men about donating to the program. I still use the tactics I employed in Model UN, not because I am lying, but because it is hard. I have been that way 23 years of my life. I don’t expect to change overnight. That immediate change is something that the old me would have expected.  But taking those moments to listen, and ask questions, and lose an argument, have made me into the happiest John Kelly that I have been yet.  

John Danger Kelly
Live Deliberately