CRAZY IDEA #247: Donald Trump Needs 1000 Hologram Machines To Win the 2016 Election

I am not sure how, but I am somehow still not famous yet. I wake up every morning and I go to work at my desk. I don’t have to fight off paparazzi or sign autographs from desperate fans and this is not only  a shock to me but to America, and of course all of my dear readers.

And it's not like I haven’t been trying. Trust me, I have been fighting with all of my strength. I released one of those butt photos on Facebook and NOTHING. I stopped eating anything that my  white wealthy friends claimed to have gluten in it and NOTHING. I even got a Google+ account and I am still only barely more popular than Bobby Jindal. #4FriendsAndCounting

I have been trying to get my sex tape made but APPARENTLY Pornhub isn’t interested in another Michael Cera themed Porn Parody. Sometimes I wonder why we even have hipsters. Scott Pilgrim was supposed to change the world, not take away our boners.

It has been something that I have been grappling with every day and night. I figured by the time I was 19 that I would have at least had a couple of widely publicized drug addictions or at least a selfie stick, but I guess the world is way more interested in what’s happening with the climate change and football air pressure and dumb dogshit like that.

I had given up hope. I figured it wasn’t my place to become famous and John Kelly would die just a local hero rather than a national one. I started wearing cargo shorts, growing a  vegetable garden, taking out the recyclables. It was getting disgusting to say the least. I was obviously in a deep depression.

But then a moment happened.

A moment that I can only relate to the apple falling on Newton’s head or Ben Franklin’s kite getting struck by lightening or Sarah Palin putting lipstick on a mama grizzly for the first time.

It was a moment that struck passion and excitement into me. It was a paradigm shift, one so powerful and so severe that I couldn’t see the world in the same light again.

It was the Republican GOP Debate.

Now I have been watching politicians meticulously for years. Watching how they craftly circumnavigate around political dicey situations. Watching how they explain their $600 haircut to voters who can’t afford to feed the 5 kids they had before they were 22 because the only sex education they got was “don’t.” Watching how they explain a dick bulge and the clever alias “Carlos Danger” shouldn’t mean that voters lose confidence in their ability to lead. And their efforts have been admirable. I have seen some political maneuvers that would make Frank Underwood look like Dopey playing with his dick in a tub of Pert Plus soap (the one with extra sting!) .

But none of that compares to what Donald Trump did in that debate.  If you haven't watched it. Watch it now because it is a rare moment in history.

Donald Trump discovered something that we have all known for years. Americans love assholes. You can see it in the characters we love, the reality shows we watch, to the people we have become. We have known it from the beginning and people in power have been trying to avoid it for years. They want to paint over America as a holy country where we don't like anything lewd or offensive.

I remember as a kid seeing Congress and the media freaking the fuck out about Janet Jackson’s nipple getting show on live TV. As though Americans weren’t the most tit thirsty citizens on the planet. Congress and the Media had no idea what Americans wanted and created this false sense of outrage towards this black woman’s nipple and fined her hundreds of thousands of dollars because of it.

The Donald however cut through that bullshit. He showed that Americans won’t follow Megyn Kelly’s lead even when she is trying to point out that calling women horrible things and treating them like objects is morally reprehensible. No no no America. They will follow who is ever louder and gets the last word.

I have never seen a candidate or even a celebrity as rude as him. He set his hair on fire, jumped up and down, and even admitted to bribing every major politician for the past 2 decades for political favors.

The best part you ask? He is still commanding a formidable lead in the polls.

The moment hit. The apple fell from the tree and the lightening struck the kite. This is it. This is what I need to do to get famous. I need to become Donald Trump. It has been in front of me this entire time. 

I am political, not that smart, loud, mean, and I seemingly have no limit to what I will do for attention. It fits together a little too nicely if you ask me.

Now I am no brianiac but ain’t no sac of horse glue either (an Arizona phrase, you wouldn’t get it). I know I can’t go out and be Donald Trump instantly just because I saw him do it on TV. BUT what I can do is use the Donald to get me to the famous level and make me his pupil. We can even call the partnership his Celebrity Apprentice. #Cancelled

In order to become his Celebrity Apprentice, you have to show you are worthy. I have been watching every episode day and night since the debates and I have had a truly novel realization, the Donald likes bold ideas. But not just any bold ideas, bold ideas that were stolen from other ideas but presented as new ideas. 

It’s like he made a challenge sculpted around my personality. Stealing people's ideas has been my bread and butter for years now.


Donald Trump Needs 1,000 Hologram Machines to Win The 2016 Election

Now before you start saying shit like John you stole this idea from Tupac at Coachella, please remember that my pop culture knowledge is still at the level where I think You’ve Got Mail references are  relevant and funny jokes. #UseItOften #StillFunny #HanksBestMovie #CantWait4TheSequel

I stole this idea from Narendra Modi.

For those of you who don't know, Narenda Modi is the current Prime Minister of India and the Donald Trump of the East.

Imagine Trump but instead of the famous hair-doo he has a suit that has his name written on it 1,000 times. Modi killed innocent Pakistanis when he was Chief Minister and his only regret is that he "didn’t handle the media better" and should have been calling "them rapists, murderers, and criminals to win the media war" (sound familiar my Chicano Trump Supporters?), and regularly uses Twitter to make fun of his political opponents.

I thought I was a lot like Trump until I heard of this guy. It looks like that Planned Parenthood baby organ cloning program worked.

Modi won in a landslide so big that it left the Gandhi family in its weakest position since 1977 which was the election where Indira Gandhi ruined all the crops in India, built a nuclear bomb on the backs of those who were starving, and started another war that had another casualty count in the millions.

How did Modi do it? Well he stole the hologram idea from Tupac.

Modi’s hologram machine went around India giving speeches in different languages and visited over 1,000 different locations. Modi promised a growing economy because of his business connections and his success as Chief Minister. He promised infrastructure and a toilet in every house. His wild accusations, methods, and promises make him the perfect model to base Donald's campaign off of.

John Oliver even joked about this before the Indian election saying "So, who are you going to vote for? Modi. Why? Because he appeared as a hologram and told me he'd give me a toilet. That's not just how you get elected, that's how religions get started."

Now, Trump has a lot more money than Modi and it has to look like a new idea to Americans who have no idea who Modi is and already have a toliet. Tupac used it in Cochella, not as a campaign surrogate so Modi was fine. Trump needs 1,000 of them so every good American can meet the Donald himself and Modi can’t do anything but pray he doesn’t get compared to the eccentric billionaire.

CNN put the cost of a hologram projector similar to the one used at Coachella at $300,000 - $400,000. Now I am sure with Trump’s impressive business skills and the mass order he will make, he could get them a lot cheaper, but even if we take it at face value it will only cost $300 million dollars to buy 1,000 of them.

Why 1,000? So you can put 20 of them in every state and let every American meet you via Hologram.

It would be easy with Trump’s self-proclaimed $10 billion dollar fortune and it will guarantee him a seat in the oval office. The hologram machines would instantly become a viral phenomenon. I know I would spend hours by my local Trump asking it different questions and waving my hand through it. Who wouldn’t be excited to have a Trump Hologram in their town? You could even connect it to his twitter feed so it could read his asshole comments to everyone in a 200 foot radius.

Donald, I know you could steal this idea from me and take the credit yourself. I did it to Modi and he did it to Tupac and he did it to R2-D2. But PLEASE let me be your Celebrity Apprentice, pupil, or even Vice Presidential choice if you want. I will show you I can be the asshole America needs. And don’t worry about the fact that I am too young to meet the constitutional requirements for VP, it’s not like anyone is going to ask to see my birth certificate. Who would be that much of a dick?

John Danger Kelly
Live Deliberately