Coming Home

                    The Audacity of John

              So I came home for homecoming (see how I cleverly turned that phrase right there, it is that type of humor that makes you keep reading my blog ) and I realized I really don't miss Prescott in the slightest. It just feels like I am a big kid going on the small toys at the playground. Like I can no longer sit on that one thing that could just move dirt while spinning in a circle. Now, moving dirt all day long is just too boring for me now. Sure all my friends were moving the metaphorical dirt as well last night but they didn't seem to enjoy it in the slightest either. My favorite part of the night was having Tyler Johnson stand in for me for Homecoming King, he was so upset when he found out that I lied and was still at the football game. It was so much funnier watching him angrily walk down the thing. Tyler if you are reading this I am sorry, but I thought it would be funny.
         Although I found myself missing my parents which shocked the hell out of me. It really isn't my parents that I miss but their bizarre actions. Take this morning for example, I wake up and go into the shower and in the middle of the shower floor there is just a sharp jagged rock holding down the anti-slip pad in the shower. (My mother was concerned for my safety and installed a anti slip pad but made it even more dangerous by putting a sharp rock in the middle of the fucking shower). And I didn't even react, I took the rock out of the shower and the anti slip pad like it was common place and that everyone has a rock that their parents found outside, holding down their anti-slip pad for feeble old men in the family shower.
          Then later in the day, my mother decided she wanted to make a meal for my sister Mary and I because goddamit she is a mom and that is what moms do for their sons when they come back home (her words not mine). She told my father to turn on the propane. Do you know anyone that has to go outside and turn the propane on? Do we live in the 1930's? So my father goes and turns it on and then freaks out because he says the house smells like propane and cant get the stove to turn on. I told him I knew how to do it because I had done it before and he accused me of trying to blow up the house and told me that I was going to kill us all or ruin the family financially (I feel as though this statement had more behind it then fear of propane exploding, I will look further into it at a later date).
            I also realize I miss my thought processes that go on here. Today, for example, I went to go to the bathroom and I forgot to lock the door behind me when I immediately shut the door ( I forgot mainly because I was thinking about how vulnerable I was right then to attack *See Below for Details). So before I urinated I went back and locked the door. But I didn't lock the door because I wanted to save me and someone else the embarrassment of walking in on me peeing, but rather I locked it to protect myself, from my mother walking in and trying to have a conversation with me while I am peeing. I miss a world where I have to think like that in regular daily scenarios.
               I remember just waking up in the morning before high school and slowly stumbling towards the bathroom door. I would forget to shut the door behind me because of how tired I was. Then my mom would exploit my forgetfulness and come in and just stare at me peeing. I would try and turn away but she was determined to be the creepiest mother in the world. Sometimes she would even push the limits on which normal humans operate, and try to talk to me about how my night was. As if that was a fucking appropriate place to ask me! I would almost always respond with ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!!!!!!!!!! Then she would always call me rude and belligerent and that I am out of control. But hey, at least I realize and respect the sanctity and privacy of a bathroom.

              But believe it or not, I already miss NAU. I miss the terrible communal showers where people feel as though it is okay to stick body parts into your shower cubicle without warning or even a reason sometimes. I miss Esther, the lunch lady, that has yet to laugh at one of my jokes and constantly says "Hello How are you?" and never waits for my response. I miss chillin' balls with Ian and Peter and trying to figure out how to impregnate KE$HA to become the world's wealthiest baby daddies. (She is coming to NAU with Dirt Nasty and you can meet her if you make a music video to one of her songs and win this contest and by dammit we are going to win it, it might be gay [in the homosexual sense] but I don't care at this point). I miss sitting underneath the tree that reminds me of a jar and a jack-o-lantern at the same time! I miss Rhoads and his constant women troubles that he consults me for, for some reason (secret crush on me, perhaps, I will investigate further). I miss Ellie and her just bizarre weirdness and her truly original ideas that make me smile and say "Shit Yeah", making me realize that I need to think of more clever phrases. I like my life at NAU despite the fact I don't have an anti-slip pad or the constant fear of bathroom conversation. I am definitely ready to move on.
        It is weird though to think of what this next step is and am I prepared for it. This is the time in my life where I will decide who I am going to be and what I am going to do. I feel as though I am an immature kid who will just make jokes and I am no where close to ready mentally or emotionally to make these types of decisions. I am wondering if I should hire someone to make the decisions for me but that sounds really dumb and not practical. Plus, I have no idea who would do it with my interests in mind. (I think a supervillian would actually preform this task well, not because my intentions are to take over the world but they could teach me how to be successful through lying and cheating. I mean look at Lex Luthor, he didn't get to where he was by slacking off. And let's be honest I am lazy and my IQ does not break the bank, I need to live a little dishonestly. In fact you know what, I want to hire a life coach that has no morals what so ever and this is my advertisement. I need an outside evil perspective, because it is really easy to figure out what the the just and moral side is, but it is hard to be suceessful while pursuing evil and it is impressive if you do it).
           But maybe that it is okay that humor is guiding my principles and decisions. Sometimes the funniest outcome is also the best outcome. In fact I would argue that it is almost all the time. I feel as though every successful action or event I have been a part of, has been at least a little bit humorous. People respond to humor so much better than most types of action, so I just need to figure out what I can do that combines that concept with my want to help the world. And that gets me lots of women.

Live Deliberately
John Kelly


P.S Lex Luthor, give me a call. We have somethings to discuss.

***** If you need to murder someone the toliet is the place to do it.

           I am not sure why in movies and literature you do not see more clever assassins try and kill the hero on the toilet. That is the most vulnerable place you can attack. I don't care if you are Jackie Chan,  if you are on the toilet, you are completely vulnerable to a gun or a machete. What can you do? Your pants are around your ankles and you are in the middle of an embarrassing duty, a baby could defeat you in this position. Especially if you are in a public restroom where you can't even pathetically hobble from your shame filled cubicle. If I become rich, I am going to make my toilet defense proof with secret blades on the sides and a gun cleverly hidden in the toilet paper roll. I have to wait till I am rich because rich people wouldn't be looked down upon  for having switch blades and guns in their bathrooms and I refuse to have my reputation ruined by my toilet fear. Because if you are poor and you have this security people will think that they you are just a crazy redneck but if you are sitting on a gold toilet and you find a switch blade on the edge of the toilet you just naturally assume that the owner is a suave international diamond thief. It is a win win win situation. You are safe, people think you are diamond thief, and you get to go to the bathroom.