The Rise and Fall of John Danger Kelly

 Just Kidding I Am Still Awesome

      


                   I have noticed that with this blog I have had two titles for each and every post and that is just counterproductive and misleading. If I am doing more bullshit like this, that I seem not to notice, call me out on that shit, you (the reader) shouldn't have to stand for things like that. It is sort of like when a book that has the title on the main cover and it is like "Fashion for Freaks!" and then you open it up to the front page and its the title again but they (the publisher) turned the exclamation mark into a colon and make it "Fashion for Freaks: A Maddie Roy Story" and the fucking publisher thought we wouldn't notice, but we (the reader[s]) did.

       Yesterday, was 10.10.10, so you know what that means? KE$HA. Now I am a little downtrodden on the fact that Peter, Ian, and I did not win the backstage passes to actually meet the Dollar Sign Slut but like most things I do in life, the action was more of a joke than an actual attempt. *Video Joke Attempts Seen Below*  Now I am sure the readers of this blog, that only read this and don't actually talk to me in real life and feel as though "OHH I AM STAYING IN CONTACT WITH JOHN" but are now proven otherwise, are wondering: why the fuck would John Kelly go see a KE$HA concert?

The answer my friends.

Women. Women love KE$HA

Woah Woah Woah Woah WOAH! JOHN!! (I am now pretending to be an upset reader, writers do this sometimes to make the reader feel more connected to the story) Have you lost all of your morals? What happened to living deliberately at the end of your posts? Sure they are slutty women who are really easy and attractive and lets face it John, you aren't a diamond, you could get a 7 out of 10 on a good day, BUT that doesn't mean you have to settle for those mind numbing, dick sucking, blonde bomb shells.

Here is when I tell you to stay to your fucking side of the desk. Now I know that they aren't soul mate material but this previous week I have fallen into 3 puddles. Now lets not skip over this small detail. 3 fucking puddles. Have you ever legitimately, accidentally fallen into a puddle. Sure maybe if you were playing a sport on a field, but on asphalt? Now that doesn't just happen to people. I fell into 3 this week. 3 times this has happened to me. Two times while I was riding my bike. By the 3rd time I just threw my books down and started screaming I HATE COLLEGE, I HATE THIS PLACE, AND I HATE FUCKING PUDDLES!! Sure people laughed and had a good time but they didn't have to walk back in their wet socks and dripping panties to their smaller than average dorm room with their stinky roommate spreading out on his bed like his shit don't stink! BUT OHH IT STINKS!!! So if I want to lose all morals and go after slutty women I should be able to! And I pray to you that you don't judge me until you have fallen into 3 puddles in a week.

3 puddles. 3 fucking puddles. Piece of Shit Life

But hey at least when I am lying in the gutters I can look up towards the stars. And those stars right now are spelling out K    E      Dollar Sign     H   A

Peter, Ian, and myself had it all planned out. We had game plans but then Ms Merrell decides to contact us and tell us that Rebbecca is coming to pick us up so we figure fuck the game plan, we now have a ride and we are lazy lazy lazy men. They pick us up and bring us back to their apartment and there are a lot of people that I haven't met before in my life, but I was promised fuzzy vests. (There was only one fuzzy vest, and Peter got it) So I ignored those people and started putting War Paint on like an asshole, and refused to introduce myself because I have laid too long in puddles and tonight was my night.  

KE$HA wouldn't know what hit her. 

Ian, Peter, and myself went down to the floor because we had gotten floor tickets because lets face it. In our modern society, if you want attractive women you are going to have to search on the floor (Possible quote when Famous?) The floor was off the hook. I now understand why people like this music, it allows you to dance! DANCE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!! Don't get me wrong, there is much better dance music but KE$HA has a bad reputation. If you just ignore all the singing and stupid backup vocals she has good dance beats and that was perfect for what I needed at the present moment.

So the night continues on and all of the sudden KE$HA puts her hand out into the crowd and I realize I am only like 3 feet from this semen soaked hand. I look at Peter and he is distracted (I found out later in the night it is because he accidentally spat gum into this girl's hair and blamed Ian) and so I just go for the hand I reach out and grab KE$HA's hand and scream LET ME BE YOUR BABY DADDY! (In hindsight I wish I would have thought up something wittier than that stupid phrase but I will not lie to my readers and put false statements in my blog and just say I said them) But this is besides the point, ( is this the first time I've recognized what I said in the parentheses?) I got to grab KE$HA's hand! I was laying in the mud and sewage filled puddles a couple of days earlier and now I am touching the sluttiest living hand in all of Pop music. RIP Michael Jackson

I imagined how my life could be totally tits again and as a result, I got KE$HA

The Rise and Fall and Rise of John Kelly? I think so!

Live Deliberately

John Kelly

******KE$HA Entry Number 1

I like this entry even though it was sort of convoluted because we had to shrink 5 minutes of film into a 1 minute and still put KE$HA behind it.
 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9XOS0HJaMA

*******KE$HA Entry Number 2
This one I wanted to shave my nipple off as awkwardly as possible in front of a mirror crying but we just couldn't do it because of lack of pepperoni for a stand in nipple. Unfortunately, (or fortunately if you are prune) we had to go in a more modern, artistic direction.
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxkyYFlaMWg

I don't know how to embed these in my blog. Ryan Lane, please help me out.

Also I am publishing this post after Midnight tonight so it will be the Otherside of Midnight, CLEVER!!?!?!?! HUH!?!?!?!